


You left me / twisting in the wind

by Insert_something_clever



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Attempt at Humor, F/M, Fluff, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Insecure Dan, Light Angst, M/M, Punk Phil Lester, Step-siblings, Sweet Phil, Trans Dan Howell, Underage Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-24
Updated: 2018-03-11
Packaged: 2019-02-03 20:08:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 37,241
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12755292
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Insert_something_clever/pseuds/Insert_something_clever
Summary: "I-I'm a boy just like you" Dan finds himself whispering into the blank void of his room, his safe, protective haven that has never made him feel any less then until now. He stupidly realizes for maybe the very first time that Phil was in here with him. Dan had let Phil into his safe space, Phil with his bitter smell and his rough mouth and he was allowing him to kiss him in places Dan had never thought he wanted to be kissed before.“Well, maybe not just like you. But I am still a boy, just with a few missing parts and two added ones”





	1. One

_I pick colors to describe our relationship to strangers because It’s the only way I know how. I start with my life before you, it's easy because it's black. I wake up each day feeling the same pain in my chest. For years I go through the same mundane motions of life just trying to make it through to the next in hopes that tomorrow it will be better._

**_But then tomorrow would come and it would be the same as today._ **

_My life with you are the best colors. The closest shades I could match with it are yellow because it was beautiful and exciting and new, and blue because it was a fragile and sad and I feared that it could all fall apart at any given moment._

_**It came out a pretty  emerald green most days and I would bask in the simplistic beauty of the color.** _

_And then of course there is my life after you, to tell you the truth it was a lot like my life before but instead of being as black as the void, it's red. Loud and brazen. Because I wasn't the same me I was before I met you. I was a new and stronger version of me that could not be rattled as easily as I had been before._

_**I decide in the end being allowed into your world  was a mix of every color in the spectrum. So, when they ask about you Phil Lester, that is exactly what I tell them**._

_** _________________________ ** _

Daniel James Howell was not a boy who did this sort of thing often, or at all really. In fact, he could count on exactly one finger how many adventurous things he's done in his life. And yes, that did make this his very first.

He was a quiet boy, always had been really. Growing up his Mum and Dan had left him alone a lot, requiring him to get accustom to filling his time with silence. He spent a lot of time with his eyes glued to the television screen. He watched whatever came on, growing especially fond of the old romantic films that stripped the television of all color because they reminded him of how he felt inside.

Dan didn't really speak to anyone for his first five years of life so when he starts going to school he could barely string two sentences together without mumbling or stuttering through half of it. He's teased endlessly for it, and he figures out quickly that he wasn't going to be able to fit in with his peers the way that boys his age were supposed to. His anxiety was bad back then, at a brief point in second year he refused to speak to anyone at all until his Mum and Dad finally got fed up with it and took him to see a therapist. 

He was thrown a bunch of medication, some of which he still took today and deemed by his doctor to be fixed, but all of his underlying problems were still buried beneath the surface.

Dan has never really considered himself lonely before even though he was alone constantly, there was a certain level of comfort he got from closing himself off. He didn't really like being out of his room or away from his laptop for even a second because it was where his entire life existed. As dark or as depressing as it was to think about sometimes, Dan was truly content with being left alone.

Or at least he was until he had gotten a little taste of what it was like to have someone penetrate his bubble. When he had another person occupying the same space as him, breathing in the same air, and sharing in the same delicate intimacy.

His Mum and Dad get divorced when he's nine years old and it's a nasty one, they bicker and fight over pretty much anything you could think of especially when it came to who would get custody of Dan.

In hindsight it wasn't even about who  _wanted_  Dan. It was about who would get to come out the victor of the whole ordeal and rub it in the other one’s face that they had won.

His Mum got full custody of him in the end. They move far away from Dad to a quiet col-da-sac in South England and his Mum started going by her maiden name again. They start their lives over or his Mum does anyways, Dan pretty much stays the same. 

It's just Dan and his Mum for a little while and if he's completely honest it was probably the best time of his life. They grow closer; his Mum begins opening up to him and Dan to her and they begin to talk for the first time in forever.

Then his Mum meets Tom and Dan starts seeing a lot less of his Mum. Inevitably Dan started sinking further into his own little world then he ever had before. Tom and his Mum were engaged within months and then they are married within a year. They move to Manchester to be together and Dan begins his new,  _new_  life. It's almost the same as his old life, he's left alone a lot of the time and he had to get accustom being a part of a family unite again, but everything isn't quite like it had been before.     

Now Dan sort of wishes his Mum had never given him a taste of companionship because the loneliness he feels sitting alone in the dark in his room with nothing but his own thoughts to accompany him is worse than anything he's ever felt before. The air around him was constantly thick and his chest felt like it was caving in on him most of the time. He couldn't breathe when it was completely quiet.

For so long his room had been like a haven for him. It had boxed out all the things that scared him, now it felt like the four walls around him were a prison and he was trapped inside. He couldn't get out, and he didn't have the key to the door anymore.

Dan pulls his laptop up from where it lay discarded on the floor and opens it to his twitter page.  _Hi, I'm Dan. I would describe myself as social awkward and a bit mental but if you're into that sort of thing then please click on that button and fallow me! I'll fallow you back I swear! :)_

He almost seemed.... outgoing online. No less a loser by any means but like he cared less about being one, he didn't mind that most people didn't even care about half the things he posted about because it was mostly for himself anyways. 

It was fake, all of it fake. He logs out of his page and climbs up from bed. He was getting hungry, he should eat before he went to bed.  He exits his room and heads downstairs to the kitchen.

He reaches his destination and immediately wants to turn back around and go straight back to his room.

A figure clad in a vivid green jumper and tight black jeans stood with his back to Dan, they were bent over the microwave, pressing away at random keys. The microwave would start and then abruptly stop again. "Shit" Dan heard the figure mumble under their breath.   

Dan could guess that's he's been at this a while, by the irritation laced in his tone.

 _'I'll let him make his dinner first, I'll come back in a bit'_ Dan decides, he turns around to walk straight back out of the room but stops again when he hears something loud crash to the floor. Dan turns back around and sees that somehow Phil had managed to topple over his mum's favorite vase and it was lying on the floor in several million pieces.   

Dan stares at the destruction Phil had caused for a good moment or two before he glances back up at the culprit himself. In that exact moment it seemed that Phil had finally managed to spot Dan.       

"Oh, it's just you" Phil starts slowly, realization filling his voice. "I thought it would be your mum come down to scream my ear off again" There was a noteworthy slur to his tone as he spoke. He couldn’t really enunciate his 'R' or 'S' words very well and Dan also notices that his face was flush, and his eyes bloodshot.

Dan could tell that he was drunk right off the bat, but that wasn't a surprise, Phil was always drunk.

Phil was Tom's son from a previous marriage, he was four years older than Dan and worlds class different. If Dan had to find some way to describe him then he would say that Phil was like a punch to the gut, unexpected and intense. Dan met him for the first time on Tom and his Mum’s wedding day when he had shown up to the reception already sloshed. Phil wasn’t home a whole lot and when he was it was for a couple of days at most before he was gone again. Phil was nineteen, so he could basically do whatever he wanted. He had been in his second year of university when Tom and Dan's Mum had gotten together but he had dropped out and moved back home soon after that. He hasn't been back to school since.     

Dan was sort of glad that he doesn't have to see Phil every day because if he were completely honest Phil kind of scared the living hell out of him.

It wasn't the way he looks, because Dan really didn't care that Phil had an aggressive punk kid aesthetic going for him with his cheap black box dye, smudged eyeliner, and ripped jeans. No, it wasn't that, it was all about the  _vibe_  Dan got when he was around Phil.

It said 'Unknown' and therefore 'Dangerous' and all of Dan’s self-preservation told him to stay clear because Phil was an entity he had never quiet encountered before.

Phil seemed to have a blatant disregard for rules and regulations. He lived the way he wanted to live and did the things he wanted to do. He never apologized to anyone or for any reason because he felt he didn't have to be sorry for being himself. Unlike Dan, who couldn’t stop apologizing.

Being around Phil was kind of like being stuck in the center of a huge wildfire to which there was no escape and Dan couldn't help but feel like destruction was on the horizon.

He wants to leave but and at the same time he knows that he couldn't just walk away and leave his Mum to find this mess here in the morning.

He makes up his mind and peals himself away from the door. He walks over to the closet and pulls out the broom and dust pan and walks back over to Phil, he’s careful not to step on the pieces of broken vase since he’s barefoot.   

He sets the dustpan down and began to sweep up the glass. Phil just kind of stands out of his way trying his best not to fall over onto his face.          

Once Dan was finished he dumps all the broken glass into the bin. He puts the broom and dust pan back where he had found them and he looks back up at Phil.

 "Thanks" Phil says and really seems to mean it.

"You’re welcome" Dan mumbles under his breath. He takes note that Phil's eyes were swimming with a frightening level of pandemonium; and that they were also a very,  _very_  nice shade of blue.  

"What?"

"Nothing" Dan says quickly.

He stands there awkwardly for a moment before walking over to the cupboard opposite of them to grab a bowl. He takes a spoon from the drawer below and walks across the room to get the box of frosted wheaties. He takes it over to the fridge to grab the milk.        

Dan walks back over to the isle once his bowl was made and sets it down. He's just about to take his seat when he hears another mumbled curse. Dan glances up and sees Phil staring venomously down at the frozen dinner he had just pulled out of the microwave.  

Dan bites his lower lip, chewing on the soft fold in contemplation. "Here" Dan finally says, pushing his bowl over towards Phil.

Phil looks up at him. "Are you sure?"

"I'm not that hungry" Dan lies easily, "I think I'm just going to go to bed"

Phil takes one last look down at his dinner before he abandons it and collapse into the chair opposite of Dan. He grabs the spoon and scoops up a hefty amount. Milk leaks out of the corner of his mouth when he clamps down, but he quickly licks it up with his tongue.  

Dan eyes lock onto the action, then quickly change direction when Phil catches him looking. He feels a hotness fill his gut, but he pushes all analysis of it out of his mind and clears his throat.  

He opens his mouth and closes it once he realizes he had nothing of interest to say. He turns around as quickly as his feet could manage and leaves the room. It was only once he was back inside the safe confides of his room that he realizes his heart was beating faster than it has ever done before.   

He begins to pace around his room, his mind full of gibberish he does his best to push away. He convinces himself that these strange new thoughts he had were wrong. He couldn't be attracted to.... to his step brother, he just couldn’t.

** _________________________ **

**Could he?**

** _________________________ **

Phil has been home for a week now and Dan was going through an external crisis over it. 

It's hard to describe what it was that had started all this but something about that night had changed the balance of Dan's world entirely. Phil being home or not being home had never been an issue, Dan’s life would go on normally regardless. Now it seemed like every second that passes with them both under the same roof Dan was falling apart.

Outside the safe confides of his cave Dan has grown aware of his habits. He can hear Phil exiting and entering his room, it was mostly after their parents were gone or already asleep and it was usually only twice a day, once when he left the house around eleven in the afternoon and then again when he got back around three a.m. in the morning. Phil basically only comes home to sleep, and recharge. 

Sometimes he could hear Phil speaking with his Dad, it was awkward and short and usually ended in an argument about responsibilities. Phil leaves after those and doesn’t come back for the rest of the day.

Sometimes Phil will stop by in the middle of the afternoon for a shower, Dan hears the water hitting the hard tiles from the other side of his room and it gets a little hard to concentrate on anything with the idea of a naked Phil playing in his head.

Dan always finds a reason to take a shower right after Phil and though they use the same generic soap the lingering odor of midnight rain mixed with  _Phil_  always seems to set Dan’s bones ablaze.

Sometimes, if Dan didn’t think about it too much it would be like they were in there  _together._

It was a thought that scared Dan. His hands would start to itch whenever he heard Phil moving around and Dan would contemplate leaving his room just to be in the same vicinity as him.

Phil had something about him. An ambiance that drew Dan in, the same ambiance that made Dan want to run away and hide whenever he was close. Dan always hid in his room when Phil was out of his, but sometimes he would be in the kitchen and Phil would walk into the room and Dan’s senses would buckle from underneath him. 

Just a glance at him made Dan's stomach flutter and his feet feel unsteady and god forbid if Phil ever opens his mouth to speak.

"Hey Danny"

Dan spent most of his time in his room, agonizing over Phil Lester.

It was nearly one in the morning on a Monday and he had school tomorrow morning. He didn’t want to go to sleep but he knew he had to if he didn’t want to be dead on his feet so closes his laptop and sets it on his desk before clearing up the rest of his stuff. He goes to the bathroom to brush his teeth and wash his face and then he goes back to his room and begins to shed his clothes.  

A few seconds later he's standing in the center of his room in nothing but his underwear as he searched his floor for a clean pair of pajamas to wear. He spots a red pair of gym shorts hanging off his desk chair and was on his approach when a knock comes to his door.

Dan figured it was his Mum, so he shouts for her to come in.

He's got his shorts in hand and was on the prowl for a shirt to put on when he hears someone clear their throat. It certainly didn’t sound like his Mum.

Dan turns around to see the cause of his current madness leaning against the door frame like he belonged there. And he appeared to be drunk again.

"H-hey" Dan stutters, his entire body was frozen in place as he tries to comprehend what he was meant to do in his current predicament. Phil smiles, and in an action that Dan found insanely sexy pokes his tongue out of his mouth and bites down on it.   

Dan was suddenly made aware of how very little he was wearing when Phil's eyes fall passed his chin and _keep_ going _._ "Hey" Phil finally says. His gaze lost somewhere across the bare expansion of Dan’s stomach. "What’re you still doing up? It has to be well past your bedtime, Danny"

He finally looks up, just long enough for Dan to come back to his senses.   

"I-I was just going to bed" Dan stutters lamely.

"Yeah?" Phil slurs in response. That thick northern accent of his filling Dan’s ears. Warm and sultry and sweet. "Well maybe I can help you get tucked in" Phil pushes off the door and begins to make his way over to Dan.

Phil was taller than him and therefore he completely engulfed him as he came to stand in front of him. "You look like such a baby right now, Danny" Phil mutters under his breath, he sounded amused.

Dan lets out an involuntary shiver.

"W-what are you doing, Phil?" he asks cautiously.

"I’d like to kiss you Dan but only if you want me to" Phil sounds so honest that Dan believed he was telling the truth. It took his heart for a loop though, the idea that someone wanted to kiss him of all people. 

"O-okay?" Dan manages.

Phil laughs in response to Dan, and it was a very nice sound that filled him with butterflies. "You can say no if you want. It’s okay" he says.

 _‘He thinks I don’t want to’_ Dan realizes in a panic. So, Dan tries again. More self-assured this time. His stomach was already half way up his throat as he starts to speak. 

"Kiss me Phil"

Dan didn’t even think about it until it was too late, but he had just given Phil full permission to sink into his personal space and monopolize it and it was like running across asphalt barefoot.     

"Alright"

Phil's mouth was on top of his in an instant and it was chaos personified. Phil’s lips act like a vortex, pulling Dan in and refusing to let him go. His lips were unexpectedly soft, but that was pretty much the gentlest thing about the entire kiss.

Phil tastes like a mixture of unfiltered tobacco and cheap well vodka and Dan really doesn't know what it said about him as a person that he seemed to find the overpowering combination disgusting but also thoroughly intoxicating.

Phil eventually starts to shuffle them over towards the bed. A part of Dan knew it was starting to go a little too far then but for the life of him he couldn't pull his mouth away from Phil's for long enough to voice it. His knees hit the edge of his mattress and he tumbles down on top of it. Phil lands on top of him, a massive tangle of long limbs.

His hands burn Dan's skin like hot coal as they travel across his body and it was like Dan was the first bit of flesh they had tasted properly in weeks. Phil's squeezes down on Dan's hips a little too roughly at one point and Dan's heart starts beating like a jackhammer in his chest.   

Dan's heart was beating so wildly he was afraid it would never stop, then Phil's hands brush against the binder across his chest and Dan's heart begins to beat for an entirely different reason all together.

Dan yanks his mouth away from Phil quickly, feeling his lips tingle when the cool air of his room touches them. His breathing is ragged, and his mind was a bit spacey, and Phil was still rubbing against the small fleshy mounds underneath like it was a newly found hobby. 

Involuntarily Dan let’s a moan slip the moment Phil's thumb brushes across a newly budded nipple. 

"What do you classify yourself as Danny?” Phil begins his inquiry as softly as the air around them. Making sure to be sensitive as he walks the unexplored tundra that was Dan Howell. The fact that Phil kept rubbing against his chest and pressing kisses along his jawline like nothing was different helped Dan not feel completely vulnerable about the whole situation.   

"I-I'm a boy just like you" Dan finds himself whispering into the blank void of his room, his safe, protective haven that has never made him feel any less then until now. He stupidly realizes for maybe the very first time that Phil was in here  _with_  him. Dan had let Phil into his safe space, Phil with his bitter smell and his rough mouth and he was allowing him to kiss him in places Dan had never thought he wanted to be kissed before.

“Well, maybe not  _just_  like you. But I am still a boy, just with a few missing parts and two added ones”

** _________________________ **

**Yes, I am a boy. Just like you.**

** _________________________ **

 

He's thirteen and his parents had been separated for a while when he tells his Mum he felt different from other girls and always has.

He remembers the lump in his throat as he blurted it out during dinner. The way his chest had swelled up when he had said "Mum, I want new clothes" out loud for the very first time. His Mum had been in the middle of sawing into her steak and hadn't even looked up when Dan had begun to speak. 

"I just bought you some new dresses Darling, what’s wrong with those?"

Dan had involuntarily flinched at the mention of the pastel colored abominations he had shoved to the very back of his closet. Thankful his Mum does not notice.

"I don't want to wear them. I want jeans and like, sweatshirts and...and I want to get my hair cut too, I want it short. Like, really short" he told her.

"You want to cut all your gorgeous hair off, Yazi?" His Mum inquired curiously. "Whatever would you want to do that for?"

"B-b-because I...." Dan's suddenly couldn't find the will to speak anymore and it was beyond frustrating. "Mum I-"

"Darling, we've talked about this, go slow. You can speak, you're just not trying hard enough" His Mum looks up at him and she finally seems to realize how panicked her child was.

"What is it Yazi, what's wrong?" 

He has a hard time admitting to his feelings when it came to him being trans. He's held it all in for so long now that he felt ready to burst. All those years of feeling wrong in his own skin, of envying the boys at school who got to play with the firetrucks and action figures. Those early mornings of sneaking into his Dad's closet and trying on his business suits. It hit him all at once and Dan loses it. He bursts into tears and confesses it all.   

He had expected his Mum to interrupt him at some point, to ask him to calm down or to use his words properly but she doesn’t do any of those things. To Dan's surprise all his Mum does is sit across from him and listen to him ramble and cry until he’s finished.  

Once his words stop flowing out of his mouth and he sat there, quiet and sniffling his mum gets up from her chair and embraced him. Softly she told him that she sorts of always knew he was different from other little girls and that she was okay with it. She told him that she still loved him, and she always would.

She then very kindly asked him what he wanted to do about the way he felt. Or if he wanted to do anything at all. "I don't want to have to hide it anymore" He told her honestly. "Mum, I want to be allowed to be the boy that I already feel I am"

His mum had smiled at him then, in a gentle way only that a mother can. she grabs his face and asks him simply where they should start.

He had thought about it long and hard before finally replying. "I want you to call me Daniel"   

He had picked Daniel James because it had sounded nice rolling off his tongue. He liked it a lot and thankfully his Mum seemed to as well.

“Okay, Dan” She had said. “Now what else can we do?”  

He searched around online until he had found out about binders and after a painfully awkward talk with his Mum he had managed to convince her to buy him some to flatten his chest. He cuts his hair to a boyish length and he ditches all his girly clothes, he bought plenty of thick baggy hoodies to hide his feminine figure and started going by Dan from that point on.

** _________________________ **

**Dan tells his Mum that it’s the happiest he’s been in years and for a while that’s true.**

** _________________________ **

"Okay" Phil's voice brings Dan's mind back to his quiet bedroom and its delicate undertone. Dan looks up at Phil in bewilderment.

"What do you mean, Okay?" Dan asks hesitantly. "You mean you’re okay with it?"

Phil gives him a quick smile. "Sure, why not?" he mutters against the soft folds of Dan's lips. Light and casual, like he was talking about the weather.

Dan feels his heartbeat escalates. "Really?"

"Yeah" Phil says. "You’re interesting Danny. I like you”

A small part of Dan was keenly aware that Phil could just be lying to him to get in his pants but another part of him, the bigger more broken part of him just didn’t care.

“I like you too Phil”

Phil leave love bites on his flesh; his large hands move feverously across Dan's trembling body and his voice causes a vortex of emotions. Dan bites his lower lip, a rush of pent up heat slipping straight down to his groin. "Phil" he moans, meek and shy and far too embarrassed to look Phil directly in the eyes.  _“Please”_

Phil didn't seem to understand that the more he did to Dan the faster Dan’s entire world would fell apart. Soon, there would be nothing left of him.

** _________________________ **

**They don't fuck that night, but Phil fingers Dan until he cums all over his childhood bed sheets and afterwards Dan falls asleep with his face buried in Phil's sweatshirt. He dreams of warm things.**

 

 


	2. Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Thanks so much to everyone who decided to give this story a shot. I've been writing for a while now but never really had the courage to post anything until now. I appreciate any bit of feedback. If you enjoy it just let me know, I might just feel brave enough to write a little more.

Dan has a minuscule 25 friends and 10 followers online, none of which he knew in real life or communicated with extensively. Sometimes Dan finds himself wondering why he ever thought he was interesting.

 _‘I should go and hang myself today’_ He types, then holds down on backspace and retypes. _‘I just can’t live like this anymore.’_

Tears begin to swell up in his eyes and he bites his lip harder to avoid the sobs that so very badly wanted to spill out of his mouth.

He was lonely and for some reason it felt a million times worse from before. It used to be so much easier when he was smaller, he had been his only friend and he could sit alone by himself for days and not feel less than for it. In fact, it had been quite the opposite, Dan hadn't felt any more at peace then when he was alone with himself, free to express himself how he wanted and not be judged.

Then his Mum had to tease him with her affection, holding her love above his head and making him try and earn it, having him begin to crave it and then abruptly cut it off the moment she met Tom.

Dan had been forced to be alone again, only this time after he had found out what it was like to be loved.

Dan thought he had learnt his lesson, that letting people in hurt more than it healed and they all left eventually. He had been resolved in his decision to never allow himself to be hurt like that again. Then...then there was Phil. Phil whom had seen the real him he hid under all his thick sweaters, Phil whom had touched him in ways that no one else has ever done before.

Phil whom had been inside all the secret parts of him.

School Monday through Friday is bleak. And it's not that Dan has a hard time with lesson plans or is bullied because he isn’t. He wasn't the target of venomous name calling, or pushed into lockers though sometimes people do tend to give him odd looks. For the most part like the rest of his existent Dan was simply ignored by everyone. He didn't really speak, didn't really put himself out there and as a result it was like he wasn't even there at all. If Dan's name wasn't spoken every day at row call he wasn't too sure he would know he was meant to be there.

_“Yazi Howell?”_

_“No, it's Dan. Call me Dan” Dan mumbles_ _to himself._

_“What was that Mrs. Howell?”_

_“Nothing”_

**_Coward._ **

He sits alone in class, at lunch, and in Gym. And most of the time when he has school projects he's usually paired up with the only other loser in class whom didn't have any friends either.

At least it wasn't hell though. He's heard stories of it being worse, especially for people like him but his peers seemed more inclined to accept him if he just kept his head down and mouth shut.    

At least he only had one and a half more years left, after that it would be Uni and then.... well Dan really didn't know what then.

Getting lost on the internet, it helps, Dan thinks that it's all that holding him together sometimes. If he didn't have it Dan's not sure he would be able to keep going. He probably wouldn't be if he were honest.

Saturdays and Sundays were Dan's favorite, he gets to stay in his room for an entire 48 hours without leaving and forget that the world existed for a while. He got to be by himself, where he was most comfortable and pretend that life was okay and he was okay, and that loneliness wasn’t so bad.   

 

** _________________________ **

**Until it all came crashing down again on Monday morning.**

** ________________________ **

 

Dan gets home from school and he's greeted with Tom and his Mum standing silently in the kitchen. Dan hesitates in the doorway, he almost turns on his heel and walks the opposite way but then they look up at him and Dan has no choice but to make small talk.

“Hi” He gives them an awkward greeting as he shuffles over to the fridge to grab a quick bite to eat.

“Hi Honey” His Mum starts pleasantly. “How was school?”

“Fine” He lies.

“Oh, I’m glad”

"Hello" Tom greets him before looking back down at his mail. Dan quickly grabs a small bottle of orange juice and an apple “Hi” He ducks his head as if that would make him invisible and quickly shuffles out of the room.   

“Tom, did it seem like something was bothering Dan?” Dan could hear his Mum whisper quietly to Tom as he rounds the corner to reach the stairs.

“ _She seemed fine to me Catheryn_ ”

“ _Him_ Tom, Dan goes by him. You have to use the proper pronouns”

“Oh sorry, I keep forgetting”

It wasn't that he disliked his new step-father. He hadn’t spent enough time around Tom to dislike him, it was just that there was something about the way Tom looks at him that Dan didn't particularly like. It was like he was...uncomfortable.

Sometimes Dan caught him staring at him with a perplexed look on his face and Dan wants to scream. “What the fuck are you looking at?!” as loud as his lungs would allow.        

They didn’t talk about it at all. Tom rather ignore Dan or sweep his feelings under the rug and maybe that's why Dan's Mum didn't really talk about it that much anymore either. Dan tried to pretend that It didn’t hurt but deep down he still felt the soft sting of rejection.

_I am the definition of a freak. I shouldn't be alive. I should kill myself. God, I want to kill myself._

Dan pulls back and re-reads what he had typed out before he reached up pressed down on the backspace button. He types. _Muses new album gives me life :)_ instead and hits post.

Dan sat in his room watching cat videos on YouTube for an hour and a half until his Mum knocks on his door.

"Come in" he calls out.

His Mum pushes open the door, and steps inside. She glances around the room for a second, taking in its change in appearance from the last time she was in here, _'Which honestly it’s been months'_ before turning her gaze to Dan.

"Dan, honey I made burgers, are you hungry?" 

Dan shakes his head. "I'm fine Mum, thanks though"

Dan turns back to his laptop, fully expecting that to be the end of the conversation. When is Mum does nothing to hint her leaving Dan looks back up at her. "What?"

His mum shoots him the most awkward smile before slowly walking over to the bed. "I know I’ve been so busy with work lately and we haven't talked in a while. I just want to make sure that you're doing okay...."    

Dan shuffles awkwardly, he hated these serious conversations his Mum sometimes felt the need to drop on him unexpectedly. They only came once in a blue moon though, when his Mum had a break from her busy life and wanted to try and slip back into her role as his Mum.

It wouldn’t last long, he gathered it would be a day or two at most. And it would be a long time before Dan would be subjected to it again, so he supposed he would just have to muster up his courage and get on with it.  

"I'm fine mum" He tells her, hoping he had satisfied her curiosity just a little and that she would find it sufficient and want to leave him alone.

She doesn't just leave him alone though, instead she picks up her hand and begins to run her fingers through his messy hair. Dan tenses up, feeling uncomfortable.

It wasn’t uncommon for her to do this. It shouldn't feel as awkward or forced as it does or make him scared of when it was all going to end but he couldn't help it. His Mum had abandoned him before.

 _‘Stop being such a dick’_ he tells himself. ‘ _At least she’s trying now. That’s all that matters’_ It was only natural for his Mum to show him a little affection ever now and again.

"You sure?"

Dan nods his head. "Yeah, I'm sure"

"Well okay then" His mum sounded so sad which made Dan feel awful for wanting her to go away so badly.

His Mum ends up running her fingers through his hair a couple more times before she eventually pulls away. "I guess I'll be going then…" she says miserably.

** _________________________ **

**Dan decides after she leaves that if she would have just stayed a little longer he would have probably broken down and told her everything, but she didn’t so he hadn’t.**

** ________________________ **

 

 

Dan spends around twenty minutes surfing through twitter before he gets bored and decides he'd rather be doing anything else. He decides he should take a shower and think of things less. He climbs up from bed and goes to grab a fresh tee shirt and pair of boxer shorts. He heads to the bathroom that was next to his own, shuts and locks it before he started to undress.

Dan sheds his sweatpants first, before he tugs off his shirt and socks. He slowly slips out of his underwear. Finally, he must get rid of the thin layer of fabric he had strapped across his chest. Dan hesitates, he hates what lay underneath.

He was walking a very fine line as it was, he had so many different things weighing him down, making it hard to breath sometimes. He fears that even one wrong move, one soft strike to his already crumbling self-esteem would destroy him completely. Seeing his breasts, it nearly did it for him.   

Dan slides out of his binder and looks at himself in the mirror. He stares down at his strangely feminine body as if in a trance before he brings his hands up to press down on his breasts. He realizes they weren't big by anyone’s standards, but Dan still felt an intense shame whenever he saw them. They mocked him with the reality he was forced to live in.    

Dan climbs into the shower after he’s had enough of staring at himself. He cleans himself with _midnight rain_ and caught himself thinking about Phil.  

Dan steps out of the shower once he was finished and dries himself off. He looks in the mirror again after he had pulled on his underwear and baggy tee shirt and feels a bit better looking at himself with most of himself covered up. He could almost pass from just the right angle if you squinted.

A knock rouses Dan from his trance, and he feels uncomfortable suddenly, like he had been caught doing something wrong. "O-one minute!" He calls out, thinking that it was either his mum or Tom reminding him that he didn't own the bath and couldn’t spend all day in it when others needed to use it as well.

Dan picks up his dirty clothes in his arms and then proceeds towards the door. He fumbles to keep everything in place as he reaches out to unlock it and pull it open.

"Hi Danny"

The sight of Phil stood in the doorway kick starts Dan heartbeat. He looks the same as Dan remembers. Jet black hair messily styled into something the half way resembled an emo fringe. Blue, blue eyes with light speckles of green and gold. He wore a black shirt and skinny black jeans, nothing that Dan would necessarily deem sexy but for some reason it had his knees a little bit weak just getting to take in all of Phil's tall and lanky body. Dan remembers the feeling of that same body pressed up against him and it has him trembling.

He has known that Phil was home for days now, but Dan hadn’t had the misfortune of bumping into him until today. The reason might be that Dan has been avoiding Phil like the plague. He has spent a lot of time held up in his room listening for the sound of Phil leaving before he dared exit himself. He knew it was childish but after what had happened that night Dan knew he had to be more cautious with allowing people into his personal space. Phil’s presence made him feel _stuff_ and he didn’t like it. He had thought that if he could avoid it long enough he wouldn’t have to acknowledge what it was.

But his plan has been thrown for a loop now, because here his inevitable ruin was standing directly in front of him. "P-Phil" Dan stutters, clutching his dirty clothes to his chest and using them like a barrier to separate the two of them.

"Hi Dan" Phil says with a goofy grin plaster across his face. 

He takes a quick (Sloppy) step forward, startling Dan in the process.

“Where are you going?” Phil asks as he fallows Dan back into the room.          

“N-no-nowhere” Dan whimpers as he takes another big step backwards. He figured he was safe if he didn’t let Phil get too close.

“Yes, you are. You’re slowly backing away from me” Phil response. He sounds far too amused by Dan’s behavior then Dan thought he should be. “Do I smell or something?”

“No of course not!” Dan found the question to be absurd. Of course Phil didn’t smell. “You smell good, I mean fine. You smell fine. I’m just…. well I’m not use to being so close”

Phil laughs at Dan. “You’re so cute Danny. You’re like, the most adorable person I’ve ever met”

“I’m not- “  

Dan gasps as the back of his thigh hits the cool porcelain of the sink. His clothes dropped from his arms leaving him feeling awkward and exposed. Phil takes the opportunity and crash lands into him.  

"I’ve missed you, you sweet boy" Phil mutters soft, like speaking any louder would frighten Dan off. The scent of the alcohol on him makes Dan hold his breath.

“Y-you did?” Dan had a hard time believing that. Too many people have left and forgotten about him for him to accept that.

“Yeah” Phil says, he licks his lips. His hands grip and tug at the end of Dan’s oversized tee shirt like he was trying to get something out of him. “Been thinking of your soft mouth and your neat jawline. I want to kiss you again so badly, want to touch you even worse. Fuck. I want to fuck. I want to have you whine my name all night”  

Dan blushed. He was surprised Phil still remembered. He thought he had been too drunk to recollect their night together, but Dan guessed not.

"I've missed you too..." Dan murmurs back. Weak, afraid, but honest. Phil didn’t have to do much. His touch alone was cracking Dan open. Breaking all his rules. Dan could feel the emptiness in him shrinking, and he didn’t care that he didn’t want to let Phil in. He felt so carefree with him here.

"Phil... “He starts lightly. Deciding to confess quietly what he never told anyone, not even his own Mum. For some reason doing so felt safe when it was just him and Phil. “I’ve been so lonely. I am _so_ lonely, I don’t know what to do with myself"  

The rawness and honesty of the situation suddenly strikes them both and Phil’s expression falls. "I'm sorry Danny" he says. “You don’t deserve to feel that way”    

His words break down the last of Dan’s crumbling resolve.

“It’s not your fault” Dan tells him. “I felt this way long before I met you”

Phil sighs. “No, I guess not, but that doesn’t mean I can’t try and do something about it” Having Phil just say those words to him helped sweep up some of Dan’s small broken pieces.

“Like what?”

“Well I’m not an expert on it so I guess I’ll start by just asking you. How can I help you, Dan?” It was the first time someone had asked him something like that. Dan couldn’t lie, it felt good.

“I don’t know, I want to be around people but at the same time I don’t…it’s scary to have to open myself up to strangers” he says eventually. “I like being alone, but I hate feeling lonely”

Phil nods his head, he seemed to understand it. Dan doesn’t know how he knew but he did. “How do you feel about me?”

 _‘You’re the scariest person’_ Dan wants to say.

“You’re fine”

Phil seemed happy to hear that. “We can be alone together if you want Dan” he suggests. “Just you and me”

“I’d like that”

“Good” Phil mumbles softy. “Can I kiss you Dan?”

“…. Yeah”

The kissing was feverish and fast, Phil's mouth devours Dan's weak and hesitant lips. He gulps down his tongue, steals his breath and marks him everywhere else. Dan feels dazed and confused. Somehow, he ends up sitting on top of the sink with Phil standing between his thighs.

Phil's tongue was inside his mouth, coating Dan with the taste of him and making him feel lightheaded and drunk. Dan's hands stay in Phil's hair, intertwined in his soft locks. They trade saliva until they eventually must come up for air.

It was a frantic entwining of tongues and souls. And Dan thinks that the longer he stays joined with Phil the more addicted he becomes to him.

 _‘Was it even possible to find a piece of your soul in something totally detached from your own body?’ Dan_ wonders idly. He really didn't have the answer to that question, but he felt.... he felt whole with Phil pressed against him like this. Like Phil had become an extension of him, a whole extra limb.

"We should go back to my room" Phil mutters in-between bated breath as he trails kisses down Dan's raw and wet jawline. He phases his words like a statement, but it comes out more like a question. Like, "We should go to my room?" And it was clear to Dan that even in his inebriated state Phil wanted Dan to know that even if this was all going so fast he had a choice in whether they went any further.

Dan nods his head eagerly. "Yeah" he says, because he didn’t want to stop kissing Phil. Ever.

Phil smiles, all crooked and lustful and helped pick him up off the sink. Dan, not having anywhere to put his long legs inevitably wraps them around Phil's torso and he clings to the tall boy's as he’s transported all the way back to Phil's room.

Phil barely uses his room. He was home maybe once every few weeks and the rest of the time his room was basically vacant so when Dan said it was just how Phil had left it he means it. It was messy and dark with clothes from two months ago sprawled on the floor and the tv was still stuck on the input channel for Phil's Nintendo console. The bed was dirty, and the sheets were lived in, but they smell just like Phil when Dan lands on them and that makes them the best thing on the planet, next to Phil's mouth of course.

Phil’s mouth was over Dan's chest now, kissing him through his shirt. Tongue pressing against the hardened bud of his nipple through the soft fabric. A ripple rolls over Dan’s body and it went straight down to the pit in between his legs.

"...P-Phil" Dan slurs, mouth feeling just about as numb as the rest of him, so it comes out all stupid.

Phil’s tongue pressed against Dan's nipple again and he was pressing down hard. Dan moans and arches into the older boy. Nearly shoving himself fully inside of his mouth. The pathway in-between Dan’s thighs was sopping wet.  

Phil’s slow and gentle though. He touches Dan like he's the most fragile thing on the planet and doesn't rush him anymore then he wants to be rushed. Phil's mouth finds Dan's stomach eventually, and he begins to kiss down the length of Dan's torso while he slides his hands up his thighs. He pokes his fingers through the leg space in his boxers and knead the skin over Dan’s pelvis.

Phil's mouth reaches the waistband of Dan's underwear and Dan feels a ripple go up his spine. He's never thought he would have anything close to a mouth down there before today.

 “Is this okay?” Phil asks softly, sounding a lot clearer then he has all night.

Dan takes a moment to calm his raging breath, every inch of him wet. There wasn’t a space of him that he didn’t think hadn’t been kissed by Phil yet. He was aching.

“Yeah”

** _________________________ **

**How is it even possible for a tongue to do these kinds of things to your body?**

** _________________________ **

Dan feels sweaty and gross, but he still clings to Phil for dear life after his climax and refuses to let go. Phil must physically pry himself out of Dan's grasp and rolls over onto his back to get away.  

They lay in silence for a while before Phil eventually rolls out of bed and walks over to his dresser in the corner. He starts rummaging through it.

Phil tosses Dan a red shirt and a pair of white boxer’s shorts with little song notes printed across it. Dan sits up awkwardly, trying not to wince at the pressure in between his thighs, he grabs the boxers and shimmies them up his thighs carefully. He pulls Phil’s shirt over his head and feels a pleasant tingle in his chest when he realizes that it smells just like him.

Phil crashes back down onto the bed once he was dressed in his own fresh shirt and boxer combo. Dan sits next to him, fidgeting around awkwardly for a moment or two before he finally comes to the conclusion that maybe it was time for him to go back to his room.

Dan moves to climb out of bed but immediately feels Phil's hand touch his back. "Lay down will you, I can't sleep with all that moving around you’re doing"

Dan bites his lower lip harshly. "I could g-"

Dan was being pulled backwards by the fabric of his tee shirt before he could even get his full sentence out and before he knew it he was lying side by side with Phil.

It was awkward for a moment as they try to get accustom to each other’s routine sleeping positions but after a while Dan relaxed. Phil falls asleep first and Dan was soon to fallow.

Dan wakes up to the clicking of keys.

Beside him Phil was slouched against his headboard with his bare legs stretched out beside Dan and his face buried in his phone. The moment Phil notices him he puts his phone down and smiles.  

"Morning Dan"

"Morning...." Dan mutters quietly. “What time is it?”

“11 am” Phil tells him. “You slept in so late”

“It’s alright, I don’t have school” Dan whispers under his breath.

“Thank god for the weekend” Phil responds with a laugh. “I remember high school, the single worst experience of my life. There wasn’t a day I didn’t get picked on by someone a lot meaner and tougher than me”

“You were bullied in school?” Dan was surprise. He couldn’t imagine something like that happening to Phil.

“Yeah, but to be fair I _was_ a pretty weird kid” Phil starts to mumble then, lifting his hand and running it through his messy hair. “Still am really”

Dan decides that this was getting extremely awkward fast. He doesn't think he's ever been around Phil when he was sobered before. It was odd seeing him in the day time, all clear eyed and cognitive. Suddenly Phil wasn’t the same boy Dan had shared space with a few hours prior. He was someone different, someone new.

They have never spoken like this before and Dan was a little scared that it would be more uncomfortable then he could bare to stand. It was like Dan would have to get to know Phil all over again.

"I'm going back to my room now" Dan finally blurts out after what felt like hours of awkward silence. He shifts around and kicks the sheets off his legs.

Suddenly Phil was sitting up in bed, closer to Dan then he had been. He touches Dan's back and it doesn't feel as awkward as it should have, like it did whenever Dan's Mum touches him.

"Hey Dan" he says. "I was going to get some breakfast. I was wondering if you maybe wanted to come with?"

"Go with you?" Dan's heart begins to beat to a new, uncharted rhythm. It was sort of frightening if he were honest, but he knew it was a happy feeling and not a sad one so he was okay with it. Sort of. "L-like you want to take me somewhere?"

"Only if you want, I kind of been waiting for you to wake up so I can ask"

Dan feels extremely unsure about it though. He wanted to go with Phil, oh god he wanted to go with Phil even if it frightens him to take the risk but at the same time it would just be so much easier to stay here and hide away in isolation. To not try and to not take the chance.

Dan would be safe if he stayed. It was familiar, it was without any risk, out there in the big wide world Dan was in unfamiliar territory, even with Phil.

 _Especially_ with Phil.

And it would be so easy for him to say no. To stay home and sit in the dark and watch YouTube video's all day long but Dan really, really wants to go with Phil.

"What about my Mum and Tom?"

"Your Mum's at work and my Dad doesn't give a shit what I do as long as I'm not bugging him for money" Phil tells him, then quickly adds. "Come on Danny, it will be fun"

The fact that Phil wanted him to go so badly was enough to convince Dan to say yes. "Just let me shower first" Dan replies, feeling butterflies in his tummy as he scoots out of bed and climbs onto his feet. "It will be like ten minutes tops"

"I'll be here" Phil replies, he looks like such a nerd when he smiles in the daylight.

 _‘Phil is so different sober, but at the same time he isn’t different at all’_ Dan thinks to himself. _‘It’s adorable’_

Dan quickly exits the room and scurries back to his cave to get a fresh change of clothes, and then to take a shower.

He doesn't know why he's so nervous as he scrubs his skin nearly raw. He just couldn't help himself from freaking out at the idea of going somewhere alone with Phil, or perhaps more concerning was the idea of going _outside_ with Phil.

He climbs out of the tub, dries off and then dresses himself in capris and a large grey jumper that was baggy enough not to draw too much attention to him. He pulls on his shoes and spends nearly five minutes trying to take control of his hair.

Dan exits the bathroom and walks back to Phil's to find the boy standing center in his room dressed in jeans and a new shirt. “You wear glasses?” Dan was surprised to see Phil wearing them. He has never seen Phil in his glasses before and it was a bit of a shock. He looked so different.

“Yeah” Phil says, reaching up to adjust them on his nose. “My eyesight is pretty bad, and it doesn’t help that I constantly fall asleep in my contact lenses” Phil grabs his house keys and phone from the table before shooting Dan a crooked smile. "Alright, let's go get ourselves some food"

Dan fallows him down the steps. Tom sat at the isle in the kitchen with a cup of coffee and the newspaper and doesn’t even glance up when Phil opens the front door.

The tube ride is mostly silent with music faltering in through the Phil’s earphones at a barely audible volume. Dan recognizes a few songs and decides that Phil has pretty good taste in music. For the most part he just silently stares out the window, completely content with Phil's soft humming in his ear.

They end up at Starbucks. Dan fallows Phil inside and keeps his head low and his face buried in his jumper, Phil leads him up to the counter.

"I’m getting a caramel macchiato" Phil tells him after a quick glance at the board. "Dan?"

“I’ll get one too” he responds quickly, he had never been here before and decide to just go with whatever Phil liked.

“And what about food, you want a sandwich?”

Again, Dan agrees. “Yeah, that sounds good”

Phil nods his head and steps up to the counter.

After getting their drinks and food, they move to go sit down at a table. In the process one of Phil's feet clumsily steps on his.

“Sorry”

“It’s fine”

It happens twice more from underneath the table, and Dan looks up to see what in the world Phil was getting at. Phil wasn't looking at him but there was a coy smile on his face.

“Can you control your limbs?” Dan asks smartly.

Phil shakes his head. “Yes, but I think my feet like yours too much”

Dan feels himself smiling shyly, cheeks a deep burgundy as he buries his face in his jumper.

"What are you, twelve?"

Phil laughs in response; the sound deep and scratchy and made Dan's stomach feel like it was on the floor. “Sometimes I feel that way, yeah”

Phil starts with some light conversation as he gets into his drink which pleasantly enough doesn't at all feel forced. Dan feels his responses come naturally, and before he knew it they were talking about everything under the sun as they ate. The best part must be how much they had in common, from their similar taste in music to their profound love of video games. They banter, but it was light and friendly and felt righter than anything ever had.

Dan finds he could be quite witty if he tried, and Phil was helplessly adorable but in a way where he wasn't purposefully trying to be. Dan likes it. This was getting to know Phil and it was going well.

Dan has never had a friend before, but with Phil it all seemed so natural. He finds himself wondering if an instant connection like this was a common thing or if it was just a Phil thing.

"I owe you for this" Dan mutters over the rim of his cup.

Phil simply shrugs in response, "You really don't, I don't mind it"

They leave, and Phil asks Dan if he wants to walk around a little bit and look at some shops before they head home. Dan is a little hesitant about being in public for that long of a time, but he wants to stay with Phil for as long as he can, so he says yes.

They're close as they walk side by side down the pavement and Dan tries hard not to do something stupid like reach out and grab for Phil's hand. His hands itch from inside of his jumper pockets though and he can't deny that this does feel like something.... special.

They spend a bit of time hanging out in shops, just ogling the cute animals and rummaging through clothing stores. Happiness filled Dan's chest whenever he and Phil step back out onto the street.

At some point Phil reaches in to his pocket for a box of Paul Mall and a flimsy plastic lighter. He sticks the last of two cigarettes in his mouth and shoves the box back into his jeans. He then uses his flimsy lighter to light it. He inhales and then slowly releases the smoke.

The smell catches Dan's nose and he figures he must have gotten used to it because it doesn't bother him as much as it had the first time he had smelt it.

They visit a few more shops before eventually they found themselves sat on a small bench outside watching pigeons eat old bread. And they don't say anything, but they don't really need to, the quiet was comforting.

“Phil” Dan found the will to break the peaceful silence after a while.

“Yeah?” Phil asks.

“Thanks for today” but doesn’t tell Phil what he really wants to.

 

** _________________________ **

You don’t know it but you’re slowly saving my life.

 


	3. Three

 

Dan clicks off the page he was currently on and goes over to another. It was late at night on a Wednesday and he was trying to keep his mind pre-occupied with twitter so he didn’t have to think about things too much. 

Dan hasn't seen Phil since he took him out for coffee and it scares him how much he was starting to think about that.

When he finally decides to call it a night sleep doesn't reach him right away and as the clock rolls over to twelve Dan started to believe that it never would. Eventually he can’t take it anymore and he climbs out of bed and leaves his room.

He takes a short walk down the hall to Phil's room which he hadn’t been inside of since their last night together. It hasn't changed at all, but Dan hadn’t expected it to. The room still oddly feels like Phil and Dan wanted to bury himself inside of its safe confine and never come out.

He walks over to Phil’s small bed and crashes down on top of it. He vividly remembers the last time he had laid here even though to him it felt like a lifetime ago. If Dan thought about it too much he could even still smell himself on the pillowcases.

He grabs his laptop which he had brought over from his room and opens it up. He settles it on top of his lap and feels a bit more like his feet were once again planted firmly on the ground as he opens the web browser.

Dan sits on his laptop until 1 am in the morning before he eventually gets tired. Dan gets himself comfortable in bed and gives into sleep fast, a sense of calm filling his chest as he drifts off.

Over the next few days Dan begins to sleep in Phil’s room regularly. He doesn't bring all his things over, only the stuff he decides he needs. He sets himself up moderately, carefully not to intertwine too much of himself in with Phil. He didn’t want to erase Phil he just wanted to live inside of his world for a little while. 

His Mum was away on business and would be for a while, so it was only him and Tom at home for now. If Tom notices Dan switching rooms he doesn’t say anything, but Dan was sure he doesn't.

He's in Phil's room Friday night, he’s on the edge of sleep when he feels the bed dip down behind him and kisses press down the back of his neck all sloppy and slow.

"I missed you Danny"

"You wouldn't have to miss me if you were home" Dan doesn't know what in the world made him brave enough to say that. He supposes that the fire he felt in his chest the last few nights now had been anger and that he felt mad with Phil for not being here more.  

Phil was warm though and his body was familiar and comforting, Dan felt it natural that they meld together as they do. 

The kisses stop gradually, as if it takes Phil a moment or two to realize Dan was unhappy. Phil pulls back from Dan. “I was with my friends” He says in a defensive tone of voice.

“You were with your friends” Dan repeats, waiting for the punchline that never came. “Doing what?”

“It was a gathering of like-minded people” Phil mumbles in reply, answering the question but not really. “It was wild, you should have been there”

Dan feels his chest constrict in on itself when he realizes he sort of wished that he had been there because Phil smells like earth and sulfur and freedom and Dan could tell he has had the time of his life these past few days.

Phil was suddenly close to Dan again, so close they were nearly one person. His nose buries itself in Dan’s thick tresses of hair. “You smell warm Dan”

_‘How can a person smell warm?’_ Dan wants to ask Phil this but doesn’t. Instead he shivers as Phil’s face nuzzles his scalp, and there was something sticky and wet that was rubbing off on Dan too which gives him pause.

“What’s that?” Dan asks Phil curiously, he twists his head around to see Phil clearer.

What he sees nearly gives him a heart attack.

“You’re bleeding!”

Even through the dark Dan could see the unnatural angle Phil’s nose was bent, all crooked and wrong. Dried blood caked his mouth and chin and fresh blood still leaked from his nose.

“Who hit you?” Dan surprises himself with how alarmed and angry he was all the sudden. He didn’t know what it was or how to explain it, he just felt so full of rage at the idea of someone lying a hand on Phil.

“No one hit me” Phil replies with a light laugh that told Dan how ridiculous Phil though he was being. “I tripped over my own feet while I was climbing off the tube and cracked my nose on the sliding doors”

Dan feels numb for a moment and then he just wants to laugh, because of course Phil’s injury would be his own doing. Phil was an idiotic, clumsy spork who couldn’t control the long limbs he was blessed with and Dan was in awe of him.

Feeling slightly better Dan twists over so he could face Phil and bring his fingers up to touch Phil’s crooked nose. When Phil flinches Dan pulls back quickly.

“We need to clean it up Phil” he tells him. “You can’t sleep with a bloody nose, you’ll die and get blood all over your sheets”

He begins to push himself up from bed. Once he was up Dan motions for Phil to get up as well, but the older boy just lies there pouting. “But I’m tired and the beds so comfy- “

“Get up you spork” Dan reaches down and pulls Phil off the bed. Phil is a lot heavier than Dan had expected though, so it winds him a little.

They get to the bath and Dan shuts and locks the door behind them. He knew it was very unlikely for Tom to be up at this time of night, but he’d rather be safe than sorry. He didn’t want them to have to explain more than they had to in the morning.

He then turns around and takes Phil’s hand and pulls him over to the sink.

He pulls a washcloth off the rack above the bath and holds it under warm water until it was completely soaked.

“Why were you even trying to come back this late at night? You should have stayed wherever you were until the morning and it was safe” Dan mumbles softly. He wrings the washcloth out and lifts it up to Phil’s broken nose.

“Seven days suddenly felt like too many to be away” Phil mumbles, all tired and drunk. Body rocking slightly but eyes steady and straight as they burn into Dan. “I knew you were waiting”

Dan feels his face flush at Phil’s response. “Shut up”

“I did” Phil replies firmly. “I mean I had fun. My friend Charlie drank so much he was sick on PJ and afterwards we got Chris to run through the streets naked after one too many shots of rum. It was great, but after a while I felt like it was time to come back”

“Seriously?”

“Yes” Phil says, he then pauses briefly as if he was mulling over his next sentence before he slowly continues. “I know I’m gone a lot Dan but that has nothing to do with you. I just don’t like being here. It’s like being in a home that isn’t a home. A dad that is too tired to care and a Mum that cares but doesn’t know how to express it, so she busies herself and acts like she doesn’t see. They act like everything’s so perfect but it’s not”

Dan checks Phil’s nose. It’s stopped bleeding, so Dan pulls the washcloth away and rings it out in the sink to get it clean.

“Is that why you’re never home. Because you hate it here?” He soaks it with warm water again and then brings it back up and begins to clean up the dried blood on Phil’s face.

“I don’t like being anywhere that makes me feel this bad. Home isn’t a building with four walls. You shouldn’t stay somewhere just because it’s where you’re supposed to be. Home, it’s where you’re most comfortable. That can be a lot of different things to a lot of different people”

Phil was getting deep now. Today it just seems like he wanted to talk, to confess all the little things swimming around in his cluttered brain. And it was so much, too much but Dan never wanted to stop listening.

“Is that why you drink so much?”

The conversation suddenly takes a cold turn, and Phil visibly stiffens when he realizes what Dan had just asked him.

“You think I drink a lot?” The question was slightly more hesitant then the ones Dan was used to hearing. It was weird, Dan wasn’t used to Phil lacking in even a shred of confidence.

But Phil was like a rubix cube, and Dan had never been too good with those.

“I think you’re interesting enough without it” Dan whispers as if that would keep Phil from hearing him. “I like the clear headed you. You’re nice, funny, and sweet”

He finishes cleaning up Phil’s nose and drops the washcloth in the sink, purposefully keeping his eyes downwards to keep from having to look at him.

Phil might be offended or mad with him now, but Dan wanted to be honest because Phil was always honest. Truth seemed to spill out of Phil’s mouth like blood spilled from a wound. Whatever was on his mind left his mouth, you didn’t have to wonder about where you stood when it came to Phil and Dan wanted to be a little like that too.

Finally, after what felt like forever Phil spoke. “I don’t always need to drink to have a good time” He whispers, fingers nervously fidgeting at his sides.

Phil’s hands suddenly spring up and find Dan’s tee shirt, then lose it for a moment before finding it again. His body was shaking so hard and Dan didn’t know if it was because of the alcohol or him.

_‘Why is he so afraid? I’m just Dan’_

“Danny” Phil suddenly whispers, nervous. “Would you believe me if I told you that sometimes feel lonely too? Even when I’m not alone, even when I’m surrounded by so many fucking people that I can’t even count them all”

Dan’s hands were suddenly shaking too. He’s eyes stare intently at the center of Phil’s face, trying hard not to connect with dazzling blue. Phil’s eyes were like broken liquor bottles smashed up and sunk to the bottom of the pool. Dan doesn’t want to fall in, he knows it will hurt.

“Of course, I would” Dan mumbles, because he knew exactly what Phil was talking about, he felt it all the time. “Sometimes the feeling is so heavy that I’m afraid I’ll suffocate” Except for when he was alone with Phil of course.

Dan accidentally glances up into Phil’s eyes. He feels his chest squeeze up at the magnificent sight of them. He wished he could live in them, wished to bury himself underneath Phil’s flesh and his muscle and become his bone. He wished to stay a part of Phil, grow on him like a tumor and never leave.

Phil lifts his hand and places on the back of Dan’s neck. His hands are cold and pale and next to Dan’s skin he looked dead.

“I’m tired a lot” Phil says, and he isn’t talking about sleep now, this was something else, something deep. Dan understood it, he felt it too, it was settled in his chest most of the time and weighed him down with cinderblocks. “Of the slow, of the fast, of the sober, and of the drinking. I’m tired of everything. I just want to find meaning in all of this. I want things to finally make sense. Do you know how I can do that, Dan?”

Dan hadn’t a clue, not really. It all seemed like so much, but in an odd way he knew that he didn’t have to know the answer. He just had to know that Phil was broken and lonely too, and he needed someone like Dan needed someone.

“I don’t know” He says finally, low and gentle. “But we can figure it out together if you want?”

Soft and shy, but hopeful. He’s never been enough, but he wants to be enough for Phil.

“You mean that?”

Dan nods his head. And to this Phil smiles, all crooked and beautiful. “Maybe staying here for a while won't be so bad then...” he says.

After getting cleaned up Dan half carries Phil back to his room and helps him into bed.

“I should get back to my room” he says.

"Seems you’re already standing in your room Dan" Phil replies.

Dan flushes, he awkwardly takes a seat on the bed. He skims his eyes over the room, taking in the sight of all his things intertwining with Phil. Clothes piled together on the floor, games stacked by the television. Dan's own binder thrown across the bedside table.

"I...."

"It's fine Dan, really. It looks like you used this room more than I ever did" Phil says gently. "We can just share it until your Mum gets home"

"Alright" Slowly he moves to lie down next to Phil, it doesn’t take long for them to fold into each other and become less like two people and more one connected unite. Their asleep within seconds of each other.

 

** _________________________ **

**Dan is honestly afraid of the idea of having someone depend on him, but this was Phil and Phil was different. Phil was him and he was Phil.**

** ________________________ **

 

Dan wakes up Monday morning before Phil because he had school but even if he didn’t he was sure that he would be up first anyways because Phil was the laziest person Dan has ever met.

He convinces himself that it was because he didn’t have time for a shower that he goes through the whole school day smelling like Phil but deep down he knew it was just because he likes it.

He wonders if anyone else knew it too. He knows they can’t, they hardly payed enough attention to him on his best days so there was no way they would realize he was walking a little bit funny down the corridor. Deep-down Dan couldn’t help but feel like he was a spectacle though, like him sleeping with Phil somehow had made him more visible to his peers then he ever has been before.

Dan heads up to Phil's room after school and he’s surprised see Phil still lying in bed. It had been eight hours of school and Phil still hadn’t' woken up yet.

"Lazy dork" Dan murmurs to himself as he takes a careful seat next to him and reaches for his laptop.

Dan had just begun to log onto his twitter page when he feels something tug him down into bed. He's barely able to close his laptop in time.

“Morning Danny”

"Why are you still in bed?” Dan says as he tries to readjust himself into a comfortable lying position in Phil’s arms. "Don’t you have a job to be at? Your boss is going to fire you if you’re late”

Dan had been surprised when he found out Phil had a job. He had thought all Phil did all day was go out and have fun with his friends, but it turned out that for a fraction of the day Phil was a productive member of society. Phil’s track record with punctuality wasn’t the best though, Dan was kind of surprised he even still had the job at this point.

"Who needs a job when I've got a Dan?" Phil giggles in response. "You were gone all day, I had nothing to do so I just slept"

"I was at school" Dan mutters weakly. "I have to go there sometimes"

"Drop out, stay home with me and let's fuck all day" Phil responds quickly. "I missed you"

"We fucked last night" Dan replies meekly.

"I want to do it again" Phil tells him eagerly. "I don’t ever want to stop. I want to live inside of you, Danny"

“That’s physically impossible and to be honest kind of gross Phil”

Phil shrugs in response. His lips were upon of Dan in an instant. His lips fall to random parts of Dan's body, his neck, chest and his shoulders. He sucks and nibbles until eventually Dan’s entire upper body was littered with splotchy red ovals. 

After a good twenty minutes of torture Dan tries to be the rational one and pushes Phil away.

"Go to work Phil, we can have sex when you get home"

“Pinky promise?”

“Pinky promise”

"Alright fine, I'm going"

Phil reluctantly climbs up from bed and move over to the dresser for a fresh change of clothes before he leaves for the shower. Dan finds himself thinking of the way things have been going while he was gone.

The weekend had been a slow and peaceful one, Dan was scared for a long time that he would wake up one day and it would all be a dream. Sometimes he was still afraid that he would.

They play Crash Bandicoot, watch tv shows Phil use to watch when he was younger and have a lot of sex. They had to do it very quietly though, so Phil’s dad doesn’t hear them messing around. And sometimes it doesn’t even feel like their having sex at all when their lying in the dark and moving so slow and subtle that all that could be heard was the sound of them breathing. It was something else entirely.

And being alone with someone for so long was a lot to get used to but Dan has grown to know all of Phil’s little quirks. The smile with the tongue bite, the clumsy feet and awkward puns and his endless ability to make Dan feel like this was normal.

Phil’s phone has gone off a lot over the weekend. Dan supposed it was his friends wondering where he was at. It would usually go while they’re in the middle of a level and Phil would ignore it, but Dan couldn’t. He couldn’t help but feel like he was keeping Phil from something important, from his friends, from living. Dan was keeping him here instead, in this tiny cramped room playing Crash until 1 am in the morning and Dan was making him more like him. Alone, isolated.

The guilt would start to consume Dan until all he felt was intense shame for knowingly dragging another person into his personal hell.

** _________________________ **

**But then Phil reaches out and bumps his shoulder when he wins a level, calls him ‘Danny’ and acts like Dan was the best and Dan feels better about it for a little while.**

 

 

****

 

 

 


	4. Four

Dan was having a full-blown panic attack in the middle of this fucking fancy restaurant.

There were so many people around him and he felt like they were all looking at him as if they suspected something was up and the only thing that kept running though Dan’s head was the fear that they _knew._

So, he hunches a little further in his oversize jumper and combs his fringe in front of his face a bit and pretends that he’s invisible.

He had known that there was only so many days he could stay locked up in the room and pretend that the world didn’t exist. The days had been quiet, and he and Phil had only gone outside when they needed to. Dan had felt safe in the isolation, comfortable even and breaking free from habit was honestly terrifying. 

Being outside was an entirely new element he hasn’t exactly come to grips with yet. Phil wasn’t like him in that regard. He needed to mingle with people, because unlike Dan he was a social bird and he did well in groups. Better with strangers. Phil was like a magnet in that he attracted everything. Especially Dan, and Dan knew that if he wanted to be around Phil he had to get use to going outside every now and again.   

_A girl sitting across from a man who looked old enough to be her father has glanced up at Dan twice now._

On Tuesday Phil takes him out to eat, this time to a proper restaurant and not the usual coffee shop and it has Dan trying hard not to think of it as anything more than it was. It’s too expensive, especially for Phil’s minimum wage job but he seems eager to splurge on Dan's every whim nonetheless.

He seemed excited today, bouncing on top of his stool like a little kid at a toy store. His eyes are as clear as ever, Dan doesn’t think he’s drunk anything stronger then his usual Caramel Macchiato in a long time. He does drink a lot of coffee though, trading one small addiction for another one. His hand shiver a little too much and he has to clench the sides of the menu tightly to get them to stop, but Dan chose to ignore it because Phil was happy and a happy Phil was like a literal ray of sunshine.

Dan feels like a rainstorm beside him but in the best way possible.

“You look cute today Danny”

Dan feels entirely too triggered by words like ‘cute’ or ‘pretty’ or ‘soft’. They made him think that a person really meant ‘feminine’ but were too afraid of hurting his feelings. He didn’t like it, especially when it came from Phil whom he wanted to see him as a man more then anyone else. He also didn’t think that he looked anything past decent. His hair was straight today but a little too long for his taste and his jumper wasn’t fitting right today.

_The waiter kept giving Dan looks and he was probably too polite to ask Dan outright so he kept referring to Phil with all of his questions. Dan didn’t mind it, being ignored was better than the alternative._

“My shirt is too small, and I look like shit” Dan replies, his sentence being reduced to incoherent mumbles when the waiter ‘Eric’ swings by to drop off their food and then leaves just as quickly to attend to his other table.

Dan was hungry and so he immediately starts to dig into his food, but Phil doesn’t touch his. 

“You really don’t know it. Do you Dan?” Phil says suddenly.

Dan looks up with confusion, his mouth full of spicy eggplant.

He quickly swallows and wipes his mouth with the back of his hand. “Know what?”

Phil shakes his head then, as if he was completely dumbfounded by whatever crazy notion was swirling around in his head at the moment. “I'm honestly disappointed with you right now Danny”

“What?” Dan repeats, he was starting to get slightly frightened by Phil because he was not making any sense.

“Dan” Phil says then, his tone serious. “Do you honestly not know how attractive you are? Like seriously?”

“What are you on about Phil?” Dan was shocked to say the least.

“Because you are Dan, the hottest guy I’ve ever been out with” Phil continues quickly. “The hottest person in general. You don’t even have to try at it either which I'm sort of jealous of. I reckon all these girls around us are jealous that you’re sitting across from me and not them” 

Dan lets out a light laugh because he thought that Phil had to be joking with him. “You can’t be serious. I look like a freakishly tall lesbian on my best days and a tall meme on my worst”

“Who told you that?” Phil asks quickly. He sounded personally offended.

“N-no one. It’s just…I think it a lot”

“You shouldn’t do that Dan. You look good” Phil tells him. 

“…you really think so?” Dan whispers, feeling almost ashamed of himself for making Phil feel he needed to explain something that should be obvious to him. He liked Phil a lot. _‘too much’_ and Dan didn’t want him to think he was just some sorry kid who spent his time feeling sorry for himself instead of doing something about it.

“I do” Phil says. Honest and true. “And I want you to start believing it too Daniel Howell.

Dan looks back down at his plate and catches sight of his reflection in the handle of the fork, he thinks ‘Maybe…” but not actually considering it. At least not fully yet.

“I…. I’ll try” he says slowly.

** _________________________ **

**I think I love him.**

** _________________________ **

 

Phil takes Dan to meet some of his friends on Sunday.

He liked PJ and Chris a lot more than he thought he would. They joked around like they were proper teenage boys. Chris has a plethora of sexual innuendos under his belt, most of which were liable to make even a porn star blush and PJ was just a plain charming lad.

They shared a tiny flat in the middle of Manchester that apparently was where Phil stayed at when he’s away. The old roll out sofa-bed was ‘Phil’s bed.’ And the closet in the hall was stacked full of clothes that Phil has either forgotten or left over on purpose.

Dan feels like he fits in well with Phil’s male friends. They all like the same things, games and ironically popular indie music. Dan spends nearly his entire time at PJ and Chris’s shared flat playing Mario Cart and kicking their butts on Rainbow Road.

Cat was another good friend of Phil’s that Dan had met, the only girl of the group and the only reasonable one at that. She was very nice and calming. She spoke to Dan like he was a small furry animal.

Then there was Charlie. Who Dan had learned was Phil’s ex-boyfriend of sorts. (They didn’t really date exclusively. They just messed around from time to time.) They were close enough to still good friends even after it had ended apparently.   

“So, you’re  _the_ Dan huh?” Charlie blurts out upon his arrival to the flat and Phil introducing them. “I had been waiting for a long time to finally meet the boy whose been keeping Phil on lock down”

“I’m sorry” Is all that Dan could really think to say in response to that.

“It’s no big deal” Charlie has this look on his face that told Dan it was kind of a big deal to him. “You can keep him. Never really liked the dork that much anyways” He has this mean look on his face at first but then he smiles and shoves at Phil. “Isn’t the right Philly?”

“Don’t mind him” PJ whispers to him a few minutes later when they were left alone on the couch together. “He’s just kind of pissed that Phil went and got himself a boyfriend and now they can’t fool around anymore. He’ll get over it when he meets a new guy”

Two things strike Dan in that moment, one PJ had called Dan Phil’s boyfriend and as far as Dan knew they hadn’t even attempted to define themselves yet and so that was very scary, and two PJ had called Dan Phil’s  _boy_ friend and that felt unbelievable.

It strikes Dan then that there are people in the world that don't care what Dan wanted to call himself, and Dan realizes that was just what he wants. To surround himself with people like Phil’s friends.

"I liked your friends Phil" Dan had told Phil afterwards on the tube ride home as they sit together listening to music on Phil’s shitty headphones.

"They liked you too" Phil had replied with a smile as he fidgets with the volume. "I'm really glad"

"Why?"

"Because if they didn't I would have to get new friends"

Dan was feeling adventures after that. He boldly reaches out and takes Phil’s hand in his and to his excitment Phil let's him. It feels good, right.

Later that night they have sex. And Dan feels a strange sense of peace with Phil buried deep inside of him. Like he was complete, a whole person that had spent the first part of his life as one half. His body has never felt so good and Phil is so gentle.

"Don’t stop" Dan whines desperately, pushing up into Phil and for once not fearing that he sounded just as pathetic as he felt.

"P-please, don’t stop, don’t-"

Dan barely goes online anymore. He's always with Phil instead which Dan had to say, was even better than the internet. To be honest Phil was better then everything.

He still hates changing in front of people though. He doesn't want people to know what's underneath his baggy sweaters and loose shirts, so he changes where no one else can see him. He always had the door locked, everyone else out. He has never been naked in front of another person before. 

Phil was sitting on the bed smoking a cigarette and using an old cup as an ashtray when Dan walks back into his room in nothing but a towel. He had forgotten his clothes in his rush to take his shower and though he should be panicking over it he doesn’t really think about it at all.

And Dan knows Phil was watching everything from the bed, what he tried so hard to hide with tight binders and clothes twice his size, but Dan need only remind himself they were breasts Phil has played with endlessly and the sharp gap between his thighs was a place Phil knew well.

Having him watch Dan dress feels extremely intimate though, somehow more than sex does. Dan slides his binder over his breasts and boxers up his thighs. He grabbed a random shirt off the floor, one that wasn't as big as Dan was used to wearing because Phil actually wore clothes that fit him.

Dan walks over to Phil once he was finished getting ready for bed. His head was down and his cheeks red. He was intent on collapsing on the bed and hiding from the intimacy but Phil’s spreads his arms out wide and he's motioning towards his lap as Dan gets closer, so Dan falls on top of Phil instead. Their awkward limbs tangling together as Phil, in all his bold glory leans in, mouth filled with a warm and smoky aftertaste and kisses Dan square on his mouth.

"You're so fucking beautiful Dan" He says as he continues to kiss Dan until he was blue. It was all Dan needed to hear to shake off all his needless shame and embrace the fact that someone has seen him, all of him and hasn't hated him yet.

On the contrary, Phil thought he was fucking beautiful apparently.

** _________________________ **

**I  really think I love him.**

** _________________________ **

Monday when Dan comes home from school his mum is sat in the kitchen on her laptop. Dan stops to say hi then quickly attempts to shuffle away. His Mum calls him back though. "Dan"

"Yeah Mum?"

"You've been spending a lot of time with Phil. When did you two begin getting so close?"

Dan felt his blood run a little cold and he thinks,  _'Oh no she knows'_  in a panic but he refuses to make it obvious and instead stays calm. "A couple weeks ago I think, we're really good friends" He says. His mum gives him a rather complex and doubtful look, but she nods her head regardless.

"He's a bit.... different, isn't he?"

She was trying to be polite, but Dan knew what she was trying to say.  _'He's a bit reckless, isn't he? He's a bit of a wildcard, he's a bit too old for you and a bit too much of an alcoholic and he's a bit too much **boy**  isn't he Dan?'_

Dan feels like crumbling, but he forces himself to stay strong because whatever she was insinuating it was wrong, Phil wasn't anything but this amazingly perfect person whom had broken him out of his shell and saved him.

Mum wouldn't understand if Dan told her about their relationship. She was accepting of Dan yeah. She knew how he felt and who he was becoming but in the deepest, darkest part of her mind he would always be her little girl.

"Phil is nicest person I've ever met, Mum. You should stop judging him and start getting to know him" Dan responds with more strength then he thought he had. He then turns on his heel and walks straight out of the room.

 ** _________________________ **

**He realizes that she may beginning to finally realize something was up, but for the life of him Dan couldn't find the will to care.**


	5. Five

Dan never thought he would ever be attracted to someone who looked like Phil.

Not that there was anything wrong with the way Phil looked, Dan knew that plenty of people found tattoos and eyeliner attractive. It was just that the whole ‘punk’ look had never been _his_ thing.

Phil straightened his hair, dyed it and cut it in a certain way that would seem like it wouldn't fit him but oddly did. And he wore eyeliner every now and again, but it looked nice on him. And his clothes, the shredded jeans and retro game shirts, they fit him just as much as the hair did. Even his piercings, the five in his ears and the two in his lip looked like they belonged on him. 

Phil bought his hair color from the drug store around the corner. Dan had helped him put the dye in one time, sat on a chair in PJ and Chris’s kitchen working his fingers through Phil’s unruly mane while the boy in question sat on the ground in between his legs.   

Dan has a front row seat to the ginger red that lay beneath it and he thinks of how pretty it looks and how much he likes red head’s in general and that it was kind of ironic how Phil was a secret one.  

“Why do you dye your hair?” Dan mumbled quietly, thighs squeezing against Phil’s shoulders as he cranes his head forward to catch the last strange of red that lay across Phil's forehead.

“I think it singles me out more then the red does, it’s very eye catching” Phil replies. “Why?”

“I like the ginger” Dan admits.

“Better than black?” Phil responds curiously, amused warmth leaking from his voice.

“No” Dan says quickly. “But I still like it. I’ve always been obsessed with them you know. Ginger people”

“You’ve got a weird fetish for gingers now, Danny?”

Phil’s tone was joking but that doesn’t stop Dan from taking it seriously.

“N-no!”

“Are you sure? Because I’d totally be okay with that” Phil says with a cheeky grin, tongue pinched in between his teeth. “I can put on a wig and you can do me”

Dan splutters, “Shut up!” He screeches in a way that even he has to admit wasn’t all that manly. He nearly yanks a good patch of Phil’s hair out of his scalp when he pulls his fingers out.

“Ow! That hurt!”

“Stop being such a pervert then!” Dan screams. “Ugh you’re so weird! All I was saying was I like it. You have to turn everything sexual, don’t you?”

“You’re the one that brought it up”

“I only meant that I like the look of ginger people. God you’re so weird!”

“Yeah? Well you like me anyways”

“God knows why”

Dan’s voice slowly dies down as the implication hits him. “I don’t mean- “

“I know” 

“I mean I like y-you, but I don’t think I-I’m ready to take it anywhere. N-not that I'm saying you are-”

“I know”

“And even if we both did that doesn’t mean- I mean I don’t want- “

Phil cuts him off with a gentle hush. “Danny” He says sweetly. “I know. It’s not like I am use to this kind of thing either. In case you haven’t noticed the idea of commitment kind of scares me too”  

“I know” Dan replies because this was coming straight from a boy who never stayed anywhere for too long. “It’s doesn’t have to be serious, I know”

“This is okay for now” The way Phil's voice dips after he says that though. It’s like he wasn’t stating it as a fact, it was like he was nervously asking Dan if it _was_ okay. 

_‘This is okay right? You don’t mind it do you? Me being too afraid to call you my boyfriend even though you are obviously my boyfriend.’_

Dan doesn’t skip a beat. “Yeah Phil, it’s okay”

Phil seems happier then. “Yeah?” He takes a moment to have a brief pause before carefully continuing. “But it doesn’t mean…. I’m not fucking anyone else. You know that don’t you?”

“I know” And Dan was just as confident about this response as he had been his first one. 

A moment later Chris pops his head into the kitchen as if to check on things after all that screaming Dan had done.

“Hey uh Dan, if you’re going to kill Phil. Do it in your own kitchen, Yeah?”

Dan never though he would like a guy with tattoos especially.

Phil has three in total.

The first one was on his left bicep, it was a animated lion that looked more cute and cartoon-ish then the ones Dan was use to men getting on their arms. His second one was on his wrist, an equal symbol to show his support of free love. The third and final one resides just over his breastbone and it was by far the nicest one Dan has seen.           

A neat row of letters elegantly scrambled in Gothic font. And Dan has only taken a little French, but he recognizes a few letters. He thinks maybe it’s something pretty, something meaningful and then one day he asks Phil outright and gets an answer he wasn’t expecting but wasn’t surprised by.

“It’s the only thing that caught on in French class” He says. “Je mange le petit enfant” the words roll off his tongue in his husky norther accent with ease and Dan has a hard time waiting for his stomach to settle afterwards.

“What does it mean?” Dan asked again.

“I eat small children”

Dan just barely stops himself from laughing. He bites his lip to stop the giggles and swallows them down. “why would you tattoo that on your body? You’re a giant idiot!” but what he really means is,  _‘I love you more than anything, you dope'._

Phil doesn’t know what Dan’s thinking, but for a moment he smiles like he does, and it makes Dan’s heart skip a beat.

“I thought it would look cool and it does” Phil attempts to defend himself.

“You were drunk weren’t you”

“I was drunk” Phil admits. Laughing out loud as he reaches out and brushes his fingers across Dan’s face in an action that was completely unneeded but still very welcomed.

Their steps are in-sync as they walk around the clothing store. Dan catching sight of something he liked and walks over to it. It was a nice tank top. Something that was a bit more showy and fashionable then he was used to. “You should think of getting a tattoo of something that is actually meaningful, Phil” Dan mumbles as he sets the tank top down and picks up a grey jumper instead.

“Hmmm” Is Phil’s response, his fingers thumbing through a pile of black skinny jeans. “I was going to go get something new done this Friday. You want to go too? Maybe while we’re there you can get your ears pierced”

Dan turns to Phil. “My ears?”

Phil nods in responds. “I think you’d look cute with pierced ears Dan”

Dan feels his cheeks light a bit fuchsia. He reaches up and rubs the virgin flesh of his ear. “R-really?”

Phil smiles and reaches out too. He touches Dan’s ear. “Yeah”

Dan looks away, fighting off a shiver when he feels Phil pinch his ear playfully.

“O-okay”

“That’s my boy” Phil responds warmly as he pulls away from Dan. “I’ll have you tatted up yet, Daniel Howell”

Dan scoffs and rolls his eyes, but he feels a tiny rumble in his stomach at the words that spill from Phil’s mouth. Because he’s happy whenever Phil uses possessive terms of endearment like that. And it had been a lot lately. ‘My, mine, us, and we’ Phil makes Dan feel like he belongs somewhere and to someone whenever he speaks.

“We’ll see about that” Dan responds. He decides he likes the sweater even if it was a bit brighter then the ones he was used to and pulls out a large from the stack.

“You should get a small, it will look a lot better”

Dan looks at Phil who wasn’t even looking at him but at a pair of tattered black jeans and he wants to say, _‘But that will show more’_ but swallows it down when he realizes how weak that sounds.

He turns back to the large sweater and realizes it would drown him and that was kind of what he wanted but then he looks over at the small and decides that it would fit his shoulders a whole lot better and Phil was always admiring his body.

Comfort or trying something new. Dan was a little ashamed of the idea of both.

Taking a deep breath, he drops the large and picks up the medium.

“Compromise?”

Phil looks at him and laughs, warm like cinnamon. “Sure, compromise”

Dan smiles.

“But you have to get these skinny jeans too”

Dan frowns.

 

** _________________________ **

**I’m not comfortable with the idea of the world seeing me the same way that you do Phil, but thank you for pushing me out of my comfort zone. You’re helping.**

** _________________________ **

Dan was in Phil’s room, wearing Phil's old university of York jumper and trying hard not to feel the crippling pains that were shooting down into his neither region. He wishes he had a heating pack, or some medicine to help ease the pain, but he had no idea where either of those things would be.

He hates himself, despises his body and its habits and he just wants to go to sleep and forget that he was an absolute freak of nature. Everything hurt, especially his pride.

Phil is lying beside him and not saying much but ever so often he would finish a nearly impossible level in Donkey Kong and look over at Dan like he’d just accomplished something significantly more difficult. 

“Got all the puzzle pieces that go around, Dan!”

He was adorable, and Dan wanted to smother him.

"I’m sorry we can’t have sex tonight" Dan blurts out of nowhere while Phil celebrates. His fingers make mittens of Phil’s sweatshirt as he waits for Phil’s reaction.

Phil smile was suddenly gone. "Danny…. I don't mind it really"

“Don’t lie, I know you want to. You can’t have sex and you can’t go out with your friends and leave me here alone because you’re too nice and I’m like a living nightmare to you right now. You secretly hate me”

Phil shoots Dan an alarmed look and Dan feels ever more like a freak than ever before.

 _'Fucking a trans boy just got real for him. Now he's regretting it, probably won't want to be with me anymore.'_ Dan wouldn't blame him, he wouldn't want to fuck himself with all his problems either.

Dan feels his heart speeding up when Phil abandons his game and chooses to lie down beside him instead. One of Phil's legs slip in-between his, then his hands come up and rubs Dan's aching stomach, soft and comforting.

It was nice being held by Phil, but while he was he couldn’t help his thoughts from running wild. He didn't feel like he was a boy, he was too pretty, too soft, and gentle and feminine and he hated it. He hated himself.

"Dan" Dan looks up towards Phil who looked entirely too worried right then, and Dan realizes that he was almost on the brink of tears.

"I'm sorry" He blurts out, "I just feel so weird whenever this kind of stuff happens"

"You don't need to apologize" Phil replies quickly. "You don't ever need to be sorry for the way you feel. It’s completely natural, you’re going through more than the usual sixteen year old boy does"

Dan couldn’t believe his luck. Phil was just so positive and so reassuring.

Dan sniffs softly reaching up to wipe away snot from his nose. He thinks he must look a damn bloody mess right then and there, but Phil was looking at him like he was amazing and that made him feel like he was.

Phil hand on his stomach still. His fingers pressed so firmly against him that Dan's muscles begin to ache, but it felt oddly good, made him sure that he was real.

"Phil" Dan sniffs.

"Yes, Danny?"

“I just want you to know you are the most beautiful person I’ve ever met”

Phil smiles, and his pale cheeks illuminate with a hint of a blush that was barely detectible in the dark of the room and against the alabaster tone of his flesh. Dan saw it though and he was in awe of Phil’s beauty.

“Thanks Dan” Phil says, in a moment rarely shy and humbled. “I’d only believe that coming from you”

“You’re welcome, you adorable spork” Dan replies.

Phil falls asleep with his head buried on Dan’s chest that night, curled up against Dan like a child clinging to the warmth of a familiar blanket. 

Dan wakes up the next morning and immediately he reaches down to clutch onto the warmth that was absent from his chest. Dan opens his eyes and realizes Phil wasn’t in the room, but Dan doesn’t have to wait for him long. He comes up with two hot mugs and a plate of half cooked eggs.

Phil walks over and sets the food down on the table. He offers Dan the mugs of tea, Dan pushes himself up onto his elbows so he could drink without choking.

"Thank you"

“No problem Dan”

Phil crashes down next to him with his own cup of coffee and hands him the plate of eggs. He picks up his remote and begins to flicker through channels as Dan eats.

** _________________________ **

**And the weekend was quiet and slow and full of bad breakfast but most importantly Phil. And Dan wouldn’t change any of it for the world.**

** _________________________ **

He gets home from school around three and to his surprise Phil and his Dad were in the kitchen together stuck in the middle of a tense conversation.  

” You’re home a lot now” His Dad was saying. His tone interested but overall lukewarm.

“Yeah” Phil says, simple and to the point and he doesn’t sound like himself when he speaks to his Dad. It was awkward and fake.

A pause. “Is there a particular reason why or- “

“Not really” Phil cuts him off.

“Well you look good” Phil’s dad says finally. “You’re doing good too. You’re working and not going out as much. You’re Mum would be happy”

“Don’t do that”

“Do what?”

“Talk about Mum like you know about her. You haven’t spoken to her in years”

“And how long since you’ve spoken to her?”

You could feel the tension rising and Dan decides to make his presence known before something bad happened. He steps into the kitchen. Phil looks up.

“Hey” He says. 

“Hello” Dan whispers, as soft as he could manage without his voice cracking.

Phil looks concerned.

“Dan” Phil’s father greats him.

Dan doesn’t look him in the eyes. “Hi”

The tension was thick, you could cut it with a knife. Dan came in with the intent to save Phil but ends up shivering in his skin when he comes to stand face to face with Phil’s father.

Phil ends up saving Dan.

“Let’s go get some coffee Danny”

Phil pushes off the counter he was leaning against and practically runs to Dan. He grabs Dan’s elbow and pulls him back out of the room.

They end up at Starbucks again.

"You don't talk about your Mum much" Dan looks at Phil and takes a moment to take him in, because god was he just beautiful. His ink hair swept out of his face and thick glasses over his eyes. Phil was as blind as a bat, and Dan realizes it was a problem, but oh did his glasses make him look adorable.

Phil wore a white shirt and dark jeans and even if that wasn’t unusual and Dan knew he was bias, Phil was still like; the sexiest man Dan has ever seen in his life.

"It's uh...kind of a touchy subject" Phil replies weakly. "I haven't talked to my Mum in... well years. After the divorce I lived with her for a while, but then I turned seventeen and I started to go out and drink a lot more. She drew the line and she sent me to live with my Dad. I dropped out of University shorter after that and I haven’t seen her since”

“Can I ask why?” Dan says. 

“Because I know I was in the wrong and I’m too afraid of what she will think of how I turned out" 

“She would think you’re amazing because you are” Dan responds. “And besides it’s not like you aren’t doing a lot better now. Your dad was right about one thing”

Phil smiles at Dan. "He’s not a bad guy, it’s just…my Dad is a hard man who is set in his ways" Phil says. “He means well, we just can’t get along. I got on with my Mum a lot better growing up”

"I think you should try and call her..." Dan tries softly. “Nothing is so bad that it can’t be fixed with time. She’s your mother and she love you”

"Yeah" Phil replies, staring down into his cup of coffee. "I know that. I’m just…not ready yet. You know?”

Dan nods his head, "Yeah, I know" he says. “It’s hard to step out of your comfort zone and take a risk. But you’re brave Phil”

“Am I?”

“Yes” Dan tells him. “I think you can do anything you set your mind to”

"I’ve been thinking of going back to university, Dan" Phil says whispers softly after a while had passed and their last conversation had died down.

“I think you should” Dan tells him. It made Dan excited that Phil was thinking of getting his life together.

“I’d have to move back out of the house though, closer to the campus. I’d probably get my own flat” 

Dan feels his heart fall into the pit of his stomach then. He thinks of the idea of Phil leaving him and his chest starts to feel tight and compressed. It was hard to get air out, harder to get it in.

“Don’t be sad Danny, it’s not set in stone yet” Phil tells him. “And besides if I ever do move out you can always visit me anytime” 

 

** _________________________ **

**It was nice, but Dan didn’t want to hear that. He wanted Phil to say. _‘When I go Dan, I’m taking you with me. Because we’re two halves of one whole and us separating would mean the end of us both.’ but he doesn't say that. Does he?_**

 

 


	6. Six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this is a good one. Phil's tattoo idea came from countless scrolling around on pinterest so thanks to anyone who had a similar idea. Cheers to the new year.

Phil had said at the worst it would feel like a needle prick.

One small pinch on each side of his earlobe and it was done. Phil gets up from his seat and leans across the tattoo artist so he could get a better look at it.       

“They look really good Danny” He tells him in that addictive northern accent of his.

“Does it?” Dan mumbles. He felt soft and nervous, unsure of whether Phil was just trying to be nice or not.

Phil plops back down in his seat and allows the artists some room to finish cleaning off the blood on Dan’s lobe. “Yeah it really does” he says.

Dan felt excitement bubbling up in his chest as he gets up to look at himself in the mirror. He couldn’t believe his eyes, the silver studs penetrating his flesh looked natural. If Dan hadn’t known any better, he would’ve been convinced they'd always been there. 

“You have to keep them in for the next three months or they’ll close up on you. You also have to keep them clean and make sure you don’t touch them too much” The artist says from behind Dan. “After that you can switch them out for another pair of your choice. I suggest a pair of simple black studs if you’re going for the whole _Fuck-boy_ look”

Humor leaked from the tattoo artists voice like rain off a slanted roof and it made Dan smile softly. “I-I’ll think about it” Dan tells him.

 _Steve_. A large burly man in his mid-forties with more tattoos then years on him. He has several piercings in his face, including a set of fist sized gauges in his ears. He’s very nice. Steve was, Dan likes him because he was a dork just like Phil.   

And they were good friends, Phil and Steve. Apparently, Steve was where Phil came to get all his body work done. “Like I tell Philly here, don’t think about it, just do it” Steve flashes Dan a brotherly smile as he peels his gloves off and gets up from his chair to wash his hands.

“Now for the man of the hour” Steve turns around to address Phil. “You said you had something planned for a change? Usually you come in here drunk off your ass asking me to wing it”

Phil stands up from his seat and falls back down into the one Dan had just gotten up from.

“And what’s wrong with that? It’s not like it ever comes out bad” Phil tries to defend his bad life choices. “I know you wouldn’t give me any crap art Stevie”

“True. My art is some of the best out there” Steve brags casually, “Still Phil, you did have me tattoo something dumb in French that one time and not even I could save that”  

“I keep telling you that it's cool!” Phil whines. Dan takes a seat beside Phil in one of the cheap black folding chairs as Phil and Steve continue to argue with each other. Dan watches Steve set up his new station with five different sets of needles and about seven small containers of ink. 

_Red, Blue, Yellow, Green, Violet...._

Steve rolls his eyes at Phil’s childishness. “Yeah it is, but it’s just not your style Phil. You’re the bubbliest person I know. You wouldn’t so much as hurt a fly, in fact I’m pretty sure that if you did do something by accident you would still cry about it. Dan over here knows it too. Right Dan?”       

“You’re a prime example of why no one should ever judge a book by its cover” Dan supplies quickly.

Steve laughs and Dan feels proud at his ability to say something that made someone other than himself laugh. “Danny” Phil whines and his face reflects his embarrassment.  

“Awe” Steve coo’s dramatically as he takes Phil’s arm and begins cleaning up his canvas. “You're making Philly blush Dan. I didn’t even know that was possible”

“He’s way too adorable for his own good” Dan blurts out before he could even stop himself.  

“You’re the adorable one Danny not me” Phil cuts in semi-seriously. “When we watch scary movies, you make me check the closet for monsters before we go to sleep”

“You weren’t supposed to tell anyone that you spork!”

Steve laughs out loud. “You two are just fucking precious” He mutters to himself as he starts up his needle. Black ink filled the cartage and Phil said it was for the outlining. “You going to stay for this kid?”

Dan nods, he casually reaches for Phil’s hand without much thought. He had no idea if Phil needed the comfort or not, but Dan wanted to be the type of person who held onto someone’s hand just in case they needed it.

Phil clamps down on Dan’s palm. “Just don’t look until it's finished Danny” Phil mutters softly. Voice tantalizingly stern. ( _Sent a weird ripple down Dan’s spine.)_ “It’s supposed to be a surprise”  

Dan whispers a meek “kay” and pulls out his phone to mess around with it while Phil gets his new artwork done. Steve had told them that it would take him several hours.  

Phil plays with Dan’s fingers while he laid there, and Dan finds a peace in the quiet that he could hardly describe. It was weird but it felt like right now he and Phil were sitting on top of a foundation and small moments like this  would eventually become the beams that would support their homes roof. In front of Dan there stood an infinite span of possibilities for a future and he knew that this was a first of many important things to come.

Dan wants to build a strong home with Phil that would last the test of time but he knew that doing so would **take** time. 

 _‘One day’_ He thinks to himself quietly. _'We'll have that.'_

Dan was scrolling through Tumblr when the repetitive buzzing dies down. Steve wipes up the last of the blood and ink mixture while Phil sits up and stretches his back. Dan couldn’t see it yet, but Phil looked extremely happy with the results.

“Wow, Steve. You’ve really outdone yourself this time!” 

Steve looked overly impressed by his work. “Right? I should honestly charge you extra for making sure it came out good” He says. “Thankfully for you I know that you’re broke Philly”     

Phil smiles as bright as headlight beams. “It’s so good!”

“Can I see it now?” The curiosity was eating at Dan.

Phil practically tears his arm out of Steve’s hands so that he could show Dan his tattoo. Blood was smeared across his alabaster flesh and that made Dan a bit uneasy but then the bright vibrant glow of his new ink caught Dan’s eyes and he was in love with it. The tattoo was massive in scale, his biggest one so far as it stretched across most of his arm.

It probably cost him a fortune to be honest, more money than he had.  

Dan had though was it was beautiful though. The delicate curve of the oak tree, the brown-haired boy with his face buried in a book. The large yellow teddy bear plopped right next to him being read to, the characters were recognizable by even the most out of touch person. Dan himself knew them like he knew the soft edges of Phil’s face.

“I didn’t think you were that into Winnie The Pooh, Phil” Dan mutters softly.

“I’m not” Phil responds.

“Then why get it?” Dan asks, flabbergasted.

If Phil just got another meaningless tattoo on his body Dan was going to lose it.

“Because of this guy” He says. “Christopher Robin?” Phil points firmly to the boy slouched against the old oak tree. “He really reminds me of you, Danny”

Dan was speechless for a while, he couldn’t comprehend all the things that were floating around in his head. All he knew was that Phil had just gotten something permanent on his body that was meant to remind him of Dan. And that was just as meaningful as him getting Dan’s name tattooed across his body only way more. Because anyone could tattoo a name, but not just anyone knew Dan well enough to tattoo Winnie the fucking Pooh onto their body.

Never has Dan wanted to kiss Phil more.

“Thank you, Phil” Dan thought it a good idea to save the kissing for when they weren't in public.

** _________________________ **

**How do you spell ‘love’? -Piglet.**

**You don’t spell it…. you feel it. -Pooh.**

** _________________________ **

That Saturday night PJ and Chris’s throw a party at their flat and invite Phil and Dan.

There was around twenty other people there besides Dan and the small handful of friends he was used to seeing. Normally Dan wouldn’t have even considered going to something like this, social gatherings just weren’t his thing, but Phil had wanted Dan to come and Dan had a hard time telling Phil no.

He regrets it now of course. He would rather be locked away in his room on the internet. Instead he was squished in-between two strangers on the sofa. His friends were nowhere to be found, he could see Cat stuffed in the corner with a curvy girl and a curling haired guy, but she looked busy and Dan didn’t want to bother her. He was also afraid that if he moved he would end up bringing attention to himself. Sitting here quietly like he was, knees squished together and hood up he felt comfortably invisible.   

He really wanted to know where Phil had run off too though. He had peeled himself from Dan’s side nearly forty minutes ago to get another cup of water from the kitchen and he hasn’t been back since. Dan was starting to worry.

 _‘What if something had happened to him?’_ Dan thinks. Dan knew that it was only a short walk from the living room to the kitchen and Phil was a grown man who can get around safely on his own but that was just the thing. He couldn’t.

Phil was a clumsy, too trusting, too friendly, a massive bundle of pure sunshine and he needed to be protected. In that short walk to the kitchen he could have fell and broke a bone, or been roped into an uncomfortable conversation or even kidnapped by a few drunk idiots. Phil could be out there somewhere, helpless and in need of some saving. Dan should be brave enough to get up and go search for him.

But he wasn’t.

Dan bites down on his dry bottom lip and clutches his cup of water. He fidgets in his seat with his cramped legs. (They were too long for this seating arrangement and they were only getting longer. Sometimes Dan seriously wonders if Phil will have to glance down to talk to him for much longer)

No…Dan was brave enough.

Dan just needed to grow a backbone and make himself brave enough to protect someone he cared about because Phil needed him.

Phil was worth stepping out of his comfort zone. Dan would risk exposing himself and being venerable for Phil. Because Phil had managed to carve a hole in his chest with his bright smile and dorky personality and he alone occupies Dan’s mind and body.  

Sometimes Dan thought himself crazy, but he swore soulmates were real. Phil’s soul was too deeply intertwined with his own for them not to be. If Phil broke a bone, Dan swore he felt it’s pain.

And this very notion of a love so strong should scare the living shit out of him but it doesn’t. By that same logic Phil felt him too and that meant Dan would never be alone with himself again.

Dan sets down his drink on the coffee table, creating another cup ring to add to the many and gets up from the couch as two more people immediately squeeze in to occupy his empty seat. Dan begins to fight his way through wild dancing limbs towards the kitchen where hopefully he would find Phil. 

The kitchen is crowed too though. Dan’s anxiety was bouncing off the walls because of all the people and it was making him a little queasy. He had to focus on his breathing to keep himself from freaking out.

_‘Jesus, fuck, shit, bitch’_

Why was his shirt too fucking tight anyways? It was Phil’s so that’s why it was too tight. Fucking skinny spork. People were looking.

 _“Just relax Dan’_ He tells himself. Easing his breathing, trying to make it easier. It wasn’t getting easier, but he reminds himself that he had looked at himself in the mirror several times before he left the house and he had thought he looked good and it helps a little.

‘ _Phil said I looked hot before we left’_

But Phil always though Dan was hot. Even when Dan was just waking up from a long night of binge watching anime with puffy eyes and drool dripping from his mouth.

Dan does his best to scan everyone’s face in hopes that he would recognize Phil.

He recognizes a stupendously sloshed Charlie first.

“Hey, have you seen Phil?”

Dan thinks his voices comes out a bit too high pitched. To his own ear he sounds too anxious right now. Not stable or strong really but he doesn’t care for the most part.

“No” Charlie snaps at him at first, and then he looks up and recognizes Dan.

“Oh, hey Dan”

Dan knew that Charlie still doesn’t like him, and he probably never would. It should hurt, in a way it does but Dan takes comfort in that it had to do with being the person Phil was currently fucking and not who Dan was as a person.

Dan knew it was stupid to let Charlie off the hook so easy, but he took comfort in the fact that someone disliked him because he had ‘stolen’ their boyfriend and not because he was dickless

“Hey, have you seen Phil?” Dan repeats once more, hoping now that Charlie recognized him that he would be more forthcoming with the information.

“Yeah” Charlie admits this time. Dan could tell he had drunk way too much because he was slurring even the easiest words. “He went out with Peej about twenty minutes ago to buy more beer for the party. He should be back soon”

He casually peeks over Dan’s shoulder and smiles. “Speaking of that twat”

Dan looks behind him and feels a bit of warmth settle in his chest when he recognizes Phil stumbling in the front door with PJ. For a second Dan swore he hears trumpets playing and the drumming of his own heartbeat in his ear. Dan felt what some would call lovesick.

Then Phil stumbles for the second time and almost crashes into another person and Dan realizes that this just wasn’t his normal state of clumsiness.

** _________________________ **

**Phil is honest. Phil never lies, but Phil was a broken person too. Dan knew deep down that was why their jagged pieces fit so well together.**

** _________________________ **

 

 “I’m not mad” Dan says for the twentieth time in a row even as red-hot heat fills his head and chest.

Dan knew he had never seriously been invested in Phil not drinking because it had never really affected him personally, but Dan had always been invested in Phil. “I’m not mad” He repeats for the twenty first time.  

It was two hours after the party and everyone had cleared out. The place was still a mess, but PJ and Chris were passed out in their individual rooms right now and Dan supposed that the place just wouldn’t be getting cleaned up anytime soon. Dan and Phil were crashing on the pull-out couch in the living room. They were lying feet apart and there was a tension in the air so thick it reminded Dan of the very first time they had kissed.

Phil hasn’t looked away from the movie since they turned it on and Dan could tell that he wasn’t really invested in it. He was just trying to avoid Dan.

“I’m not mad” twenty-second.

Dan’s eyes begin to burn a bit, and at first, he really doesn’t know what for.  

It wasn’t even that big of a deal to be honest. Phil was fucking nineteen years old and legally he could drink if he wants too, but that was just the thing, he couldn’t. Just because he could drink doesn’t mean he should because Phil had a problem with setting limits for himself and self-sabotage and just one tiny sip could send him spiraling.    

“I’m not mad” Twenty-third. And this time Dan’s voice cracks.

Phil turns his head around for the first time since the start of the movie and the blue swimming pools in his eyes slapped Dan in the face.

“Danny” Phil whispers, like there were razors in his throat and it hurt to talk. And he looks like he’s in pain. That deep and grueling kind that reminded Dan of a razor burn and it never was clearer to Dan that Phil knew he was fucked up.

“I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed” Dan finally manages to get it all out.

“I know and I’m sorry” Phil replies solemnly. “I slipped up Danny. I won’t do it again”

He knew that he let Dan down. Dan had no idea about the trials and tribulations of addiction, but rationally he did know that it must be tough to stop something that was deeply a part of you.

“I don’t know that” Because Phil was human, and humans were made to malfunction and break down.

“You just have to trust me” Phil begs him. “You _can_ trust me Dan”

And Dan did, undisputedly. He trusted Phil. More than he trusted even himself sometimes.

“I…I don’t know” Still Dan was hesitant.

“I don’t want you to cry over me Danny” Phil murmurs, tattooed limbs reaching out to grab hold of Dan’s face. “I hate it when you cry”

“I can’t help it. I’m sad”

“I know and it’s my fault. I’m sorry”

“I forgive you”

“I really won’t drink again. I promise” Phil promises as he inches closer, their bodies coming together like magnets. Bones and flesh melding as one.

Closer, closer until their breath mingles. Phil smells like warm spices.

He tastes like liquor and cigarettes straight from the package and it brings back raw memories. His mouth feels like hot coals. He burns Dan’s gums.

Dan falls into the kiss like clockwork, because it’s Phil whom he was kissing and he’s as addictive as anything. The proximity of their bodies makes Dan sweat. It’s like he’s lying on the edge of a volcano and he finally tumbles in when Phil rolls over on top of him.

And they're making out for a while but Dan has enough sense to push Phil away before they start fucking. The last thing he needs is either PJ or Chris stumbling out of their rooms to take a piss or something and walking in on Dan and Phil.

“Not here” Dan says firmly. “Not now, and not when you’re sloshed”

Phil looks drunk off something entirely separate from the alcohol when Dan pulls away from him.

“Sorry” Phil says and really means it. Phil was never one to push Dan into sex, even when he’s inebriated.

“It’s okay. We can still cuddle if you want”

Phil seems okay with that, even if little Phil didn’t entirely agree with his choice and was still pushing up against Dan’s hip with a vengeance. Phil crawls down a little lower and settles most of his body on Dan’s chest.

“S’fine Danny. You’re my cuddly little _Bear_ ”

Dan blushes red and choses to ignore the fact that Phil could probably feel his heart beating faster than usually from inside his chest.

Seconds fall into hours and for a while they were lost in their third movie.

“Phil” Dan hears himself says out of the blue. His fingers running endless streams through Phil’s baby soft hair. This might not be the right time to get into this, but he felt as though he needed to get it off his chest.

Yeah?”

Dan takes a deep breath and feels Phil readjust himself for impact.

“This is going to be the last time I let you kiss me drunk”

Phil was very quiet for a moment. Too quiet. He was thinking, probably over-thinking.

“I know” He finally gets out.

** _________________________ **

**Nothing more needed to be said between them. They both knew this would be the last conversation they had that would involve Phil’s drinking.**

** _________________________ **

 

“Dan, did you get your ears pierced?”

Dan looks up from the sizzling bacon and at his Mum whom had just walked into the kitchen. Dan reaches up to run his fingers lightly across the small stud.  

“Yeah” he tells her. He shrugs his shoulders as if it was no big deal, _because it was no big deal_. He brings his hand back to the handle of the pan and flips the bacon over on its other side.

“When did you do that?” She was closer to him now, a hairs breath away. She wants to keep her eyes firmly on Dan and nothing else, but she acts as if she’s distracted by her a bowl of cereal.

Ever so often her eyes would burn into him with unfiltered curiosity.

“Last week” He tells her honestly as he lifts the pan and shakes off the bacon onto a nearby plate.

“You went by yourself or- “

“Phil took me” Dan cuts her off. “He was getting some new stuff done and I told him I wanted to go along too”

Half truth. But that's okay.

“That new one on his arm, yeah?” His mum seems overly interested. And it surprised Dan that she even noticed Phil had gotten a new one when even Phil’s own friends hadn’t.   

“Yeah”

“It’s really cute. That portrait of Christopher Robin reminds me of you a lot. You are so quiet and gentle Dan. Always in a world all your own….”

Dan’s heartbeat jumps slightly, and he tries not to seem shaken by the connection his mom so easily makes as he cracks four eggs into the pan.

“I know”

“I used to buy you a lot of little stuffed bears when you were a baby. You love them so much!” His Mum spoke with an excitement Dan had never quite heard before. “You used to run around with your bears and I would call you my little _Christopher Robin_. Do you remember Dan?”

“Yeah, I do”

 _‘I don’t know if you know this, but I still have most of that stuff Mum_.’

“You’re still my little Christopher Robin and you always will be, you know that right Dan?”

And this time her tone is softer, and she seems to be trying to convey an emotion to him that Dan didn’t completely understand.

“Mum” Dan groans lightly. “Stop being so cheesy. I’m not a kid anymore” The eggs are done, and Dan slides them onto the plates as well. Right on cue he hears the coffee machine ‘beep’.

“Since when did you start drinking coffee?”

“I don’t, Phil does”

“Oh”

Dan pours Phil a cup and then he grabs the two plates and turns to leave the room.

“You’re spending the day in his room?” His Mum asks, her voice…. low, shaky and nervous.

Dan knew that she really wants to tell him ‘ _No, you can’t do that!_ ’ but she won’t say that because she knows deep down that if Dan weren’t trans she wouldn’t have thought twice of leaving two boys’ alone in a room.

“We’re just going to be watching a show Mum” Dan tells her, tries to reassure her because he knows how it sounds. “He’s forcing me to watch his entire box set of Buffy with him”

“Oh okay” His Mum says still sounding slightly hesitant. “W-well have fun then!”

** _________________________ **

**Deep down Dan knew that all the coincidences had added up and his Mum could no longer deny to herself that something was amiss. She knew, and he knew that she knew. And it was only a matter of time before she finally decided to act on her suspicions.**


	7. Seven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter made me want to punch my laptop. Sorry Laptop.

Dan’s birthday falls on a warm Friday.  

His Mum had given him his present the day prior because she was leaving for a week-long business trip and she wouldn’t be home. She does call him the morning of and wishes him a happy birthday and Dan convinces himself by the end of the call that by doing so she had made up for her absence.       

Before he heads off to school Tom shouts him a happy birthday from the kitchen. Dan wants to be grateful for his acknowledgment but he’s pretty sure his Mum had told Tom to say it and that makes it seem more disingenuous then he could really handle. 

Phil isn’t home when he gets home, but Dan knew Phil has started getting serious about working more hours these past few weeks. Dan misses him still, but Dan always finds a way to miss Phil, even when the spork had just left his side for a couple moments to go down to the kitchen.   

And maybe it’s starting to become a little unhealthy at this point, but Dan can’t find a reason to care if Phil didn’t mind.   

Dan figures he would spend his birthday like he does every other one. Alone in his room and clicking away at keys on his computer, aimlessly searching through videos on YouTube.  

His Dad calls sometime around 5 pm, but Dan lets it go straight to voicemail because he can’t take another call of his Dad awkwardly calling him _‘bud’_.

At seven Dan has left the half-eaten slice of cake on his nightstand because it wasn’t all that good. He can’t remember the last time he has liked strawberry short cake, but he doesn’t have the heart to tell his Mum that.

He falls asleep somewhere in the middle of watching a _let’s play_ video on Halo. He wakes up to Phil crashed beside him, some limbs hanging half way off the bed and others draped casually across Dan like they were supposed to be there. He is still dressed in his job entire and he looked exhausted, less like a bright ball of burning sun and more like the walking dead, all sunken eyes and raw hands. It seems like all Phil did nowadays was work.

Dan wondered what it was Phil thought he was working towards but doesn’t ask.

“Hey” Dan whispers, so soft that the wind couldn’t hear him, he leans over and presses his lips to Phil’s. It sparks a quiet fire.

“Hey” Phil replies. He’s smiling when Dan pulls away, and then leaning in toward Dan this time to steal another kiss because one was never enough.

The second one always burns brighter and makes Dan crave a forever.

“I’m sorry I didn’t wish you a happy birthday this morning” He says as he sits up. “You could have woken me up before you left for school you know, Danny”

“You’re exhausted. I wanted you to get some rest”

“You’re too nice to me” Phil tells him genuinely.

“You’re nicer to me” Dan gently argues.

Phil smiles boyishly, and it has Dan seeing stars. “I was going to call you on my break, but then I realized you were probably in class” Phil says.  

“It’s okay… “Dan says. He notices Phil pulling a bag up off the floor, so he sits up and allows Phil to present it to him.

“No, it’s really not. It was shit of me to not at least wait up with you” Phil replies. “But I’ll do better next year. I promise. I’ll take work off and take you somewhere special”

Dan’s heart jumps in his chest and he knew it was almost a ‘happy birthday’ itself that Phil was already planning Dan’s next birthday.

“Still- “

“Open your stuff Danny. I want to see what you think of them”

Dan does as he is told without arguing. He pulls the first object out of the bag. It was an ordinary pre-packaged slice of sheet cake from the store, but it was Dan’s favorite flavor and Phil had bought it just for him and so that made it like, the best thing he’s ever gotten.

“You got me a cake” Dan can’t contain his excitement.

“I did” Phil says simply. 

Dan feels himself smiling obnoxiously wide. “Thank you, Phil”

He sets the plastic container down and moves on. He pulls out is a large jumper next, and it was obviously familiar.  

“This is your favorite jumper” Dan says, looking up from the green jumper that had begun all of this.

“You wear it a lot more than I do, Dan” Phil says with a crooked smile. “It’s practically yours”

Dan smiles shyly. “I do” He says, “Thank you” He pulls it over his head and allows it to settle snuggly across his chest. It fit him well and it smells like _boy_ which is probably 98% of the reason Dan wore half of Phil’s clothes.

Dan reaches in the bag again and pulls out a stuffed bear to add to his collection. “I love it” He tells Phil immediately. “These are the best presents ever Phil. I couldn’t ask for better stuff”

“Don’t thank me just yet, there’s more”

Dan looks down at the bag. He sticks his hand in and after some searching pulls out a small tube of red substance.

“Cherry lube” Dan reads the description and then feels himself grow hot in the face.

Phil shrugs his shoulders. “You said you don’t know what lube is used for. And I want to show you”

“You’re such a pervert Phil” Dan tells him.

“Yeah baby but deep down so are you” Phil counters playfully. “It’s okay, Dan. There’s nothing wrong with it”

Dan snorts, feeling pleasantly unsurprised. His blush was still heavy though, “I know that”

Phil wiggles his eyebrow and inches a bit closer to Dan’s shy figure. “Cherry is my favorite, you’ll like it”

Dan smile nervously.

“O-okay”

Phil kisses Dan until his lips are swollen and red.

And they’ve had sex a million times before, so Dan should know what it’s going to be like even though he’s only ever done it with Phil and could only base his evidence on what Phil was like but being with Phil was a genuine roller coaster ride.

It was intense and terrifying, like being stuck out in a room with no doors but it was also warm and familiar, like their bodies weren’t separate entities but one cohesive organ. And somewhere along the lines Dan had started to genuinely believe that Zeus had first created human kind with four arms and four legs and then eventually separated them into two. It was the only thing that really made sense to Dan in times like this. 

Dan has come to realize that sex with Phil has changed a lot since the first time they had done it.

The first time had been like being thrown into the deep end of the pool. It had been so shockingly new having someone else buried deep within his body. It had hurt, but not in a painful way, the intrusion of a foreign body had sent intense shockwaves through his gut and the smell of Phil had stuck to his skin for _weeks_.

The second time had been similar but easier, Dan’s body had seemingly become accustom to sex and the way Phil stretched him. Dan realized he liked sex a lot. He’d never thought about it much before Phil, now it was mostly of what he thought about. Some days Dan sat in class, trembling in his seat. His fingers itching themselves raw. He thought about Phil fingers inside him and he would get wet.  

Since Phil has stopped drinking it’s seldom as raw as it used to be and sometime in between that and when Phil had started calling Dan ‘ _Baby_ _Boy_ ’ when they had sex it changed again. It was slow now. Took hours instead of minutes. Softer then what Dan had ever been used to having, still Dan wasn’t complaining. Being with Phil was always perfect even when it wasn’t.

Even when it was a secret and not the good kind but the kind that eats away at you. Something that shouldn’t be a secret but is too taboo to speak of in public, like Dan’s transsexuality. And Dan must hold his breath when he gets too loud because his Mum might have heard it, and oh god Dan is so loud sometimes that how haven’t they heard it already?

Probably have, blissfully blind.

Phil thinks it’s funny, that Dan screeches like a dolphin when he hits his climax.

Screams. ‘ _Oh Phil!’_ Like he was worshipping both Phil and his techniques or something.

Phil teases him for hours afterwards, with a crooked smile and kind eyes. ‘Oh, Phil your sex is so good…’ he mocks him playfully.

Sweet like vanilla, Phil says _‘Oh Phil’_ but he means something else.

Dan means it too when he says, ‘Shut up Spork…’ and then leans in and kisses him.

** _________________________ **

**What does sex taste like?**

**Cherry apparently.**

** _________________________ **

 Dan gets home from school one day to finds Phil and his Mum camped out in the kitchen together.   

And it set off red flags immediately, because Dan wasn’t too sure Phil and his Mum have ever been alone in the same room before. Tom was usually there too, or Dan. The fact that neither of them were made it seem very suspicious.    

His Mum and Phil were deep in a conversation, but their voices were low, and Dan could barely hear them. He did catch Phil saying something along the lines of, “Yeah…yeah. Okay” and then he laughed but it wasn't one of those happy little laughs, it sounded uncomfortable.

Phil was far too nice to pull himself out of the awkward conversation though, so even though he clearly doesn’t want to be involved in it he will probably will just sits there and fidget until it was finally over.      

Dan purposefully knocks the side of his fist against the doorway to make a loud ‘thud’ and gain their attention without seeming too suspicious, his Mum turns first, and she looks strangely frazzled for a second. The moment she sees Dan though she smiles big.

“Hi Dan”

Phil turns at the sound of his name, and he looks strange too. Like he wasn’t completely present.

“Danny” When Phil says his name he sounds like a man who hasn’t had a drop of water in days and was absolutely parched.

Dan’s Mum gives Phil side glance.

“Hey” Dan replies

“How was school?” His Mum asks him.

“Fine” Dan says quickly, giving her sweet peppermint lies. School was the same as always, but talking about it wasn’t going to change anything.

“That’s good”

Dan turns to Phil. “I want to go get coffee. You said you would take me after school”

Phil hadn’t told him that, but it was an easy way out.

“What? Oh!” Phil seems to quickly catch on. “Yeah…I did” Phil was a terrible liar, but that was okay because Dan was a good one.

“I want to go now” Dan says. Phil lets out a little light laugh. He seems to ease up a little. “Alright Danny, here I come” He begins to approach Dan.

“Phil” Dan’s Mum stops him. “We should continue talking after you get back”

Phil was inches from Dan when he pauses. “Yeah okay…”  he responds nervously.

Dan doesn’t like the tension in the air. He grabs Phil by his arm when he gets within range of him and begins to physically tug him out of the room as fast as possible.

“Dan- “His Mum calls out.

“Bye Mum” He cuts here off. Ending the conversation before it even had a chance to start.

** _________________________ **

**Dan doesn’t care that she was his Mum. He would not allow anyone to make Phil feel that uncomfortable ever again.**

** _________________________ **

“What were you guys talking about?”

Phil pauses mid-sip of his caramel macchiato and his face shifts uncomfortably.

“Nothing, don’t worry about it Danny”

And the way he says it makes the conversation sound final, and even though Dan has a hundred more questions swirling around in his head he stays quiet.

If Phil couldn’t say, then Dan wouldn’t push him.

“…. I learned something cool in class today” Dan decides to change the subject.

“Oh really, what is it Dan?”

Phil goes through two packs of Paul Malls while they’re out, chain smokes like it’s nothing. Dan could tell that the stress was hanging on him heavy. Dan just stays by him as much as possible, not saying much but being a silent supporting whenever Phil needed it. Phil didn’t say much.

A few days go by and things seem to go back to a relative normal, Dan didn’t think much of that day with Phil and his Mum. To be honest, he nearly forgets it completely.

Then one day they’re alone in Phil’s room and Dan is surfing the web while Phil smokes his third cigarette and Phil says something that catches Dan off guard.

“I have to tell you something Dan”

Dan hears the conflict in his voice and immediately pauses in what he was doing. He turns to Phil.

“What?”

Phil’s fingers worked knots through his hair, speckles of gigger red peak through the layers of black.

“I’m going back to university. I start attending next month”

“Wait what?” Dan couldn’t believe what he was hearing, and he knew that he and Phil has spoken about University before but only as a possibility, it had never been a real thing until now.

“I told you I might go back” Phil says like that would make up for the fact that he hadn’t told Dan anything about this until today. “You said that I should”

“I know I did but- “Dan’s words caught themselves in his throat and he was torn between being supportive of Phil and being angry that he was the last to know about this. “…. What brought this on Phil?”

To this Phil shrugs nervously, “I just need a change Dan, can’t keep working the same dead-end job all my life. Can’t keep living with my Dad my whole life. I’m nearly twenty, I need to get my shit together”

And those all seemed like tangible reasons for Phil going back to Uni. Dan understood his conflict and he knew that Phil was meant for so much more then what he was currently stuck with. Still, something he had said had chilled Dan to the bone.

“You’re going to be living here in the meanwhile, though right?” Even as Dan asked it, he already knew the answer to his question, and it made his stomach sick.

Phil looks guilty and Dan hates it.

“I found a cheap flat close to school that I can afforded. I already signed the lease, I move in on Friday” He says.

All Dan could really think was, _‘It’s fucking Wednesday Phil! You couldn’t have told me sooner?’_

“Don’t be mad, we’ll still see each other. We just won’t share a bed every night”

“I’m not mad” Dan says, but he knew that Phil knew him too well to believe that lie.

“We’ll still see each other I promise” Phil echo’s again, kinder and sweeter then he really had to be. Dan was being a brat right now, he knew he was, but he couldn’t help it, any amount of time separated from Phil was a bad thing. Dan could already see the bad times on the horizon. He could see the loneliness eclipsing.

Still he took a deep breath and told himself that it would turn out alright.

He was wrong of course.

Phil moves out on Friday and Dan moves himself into his vacant room the same day because he couldn’t help himself. Phil’s smell still clung to the walls and Dan needed it if he was going to be able to stay sane in this house without him here.

Still Dan lies awake all night in the cold vacancy of Phil’s bed wondering if Phil was doing that same thing across town in his new flat. Dan wants to call him and ask, but figures that by doing so would prove himself more desperate then he really wanted to let on to anyone.

The next few weeks are hell and Dan barely sees Phil. Phil has started University and he is slammed with work, so Dan contributes his absence to that. Dan wants Phil to come spend the night soon and Phil promises he would over the phone with him but insists that he was buried in work and that it wouldn’t be soon.

_'Maybe next week'_   he says, but then next rolls around and it would be _‘well maybe next’_. Dan decides that he couldn’t wait for his Mum to go back out of town again, he would go over to Phil’s place himself if he had too.

But no, he knew he really shouldn't. Phil needed his space while he was attempting to get his footing in University.

Dan knew that, but it was killing him, and the darkness was slowly consuming him again. He tries to keep himself optimistic, they just needed to wait a little longer he tells himself.

Then ‘next week’ finally rolled around and something surprising happens, a new change hopefully for the better. Phil picks him up from school and takes him out to a restaurant, a nice one with posh waiters who look at them like their punk teenagers who couldn’t afforded half the stuff on the menu because that’s exactly what they were.

Phil looks so tired; his skin is paler then usual and his eyes have huge bags underneath them. He looks over exhausted and he really needs a haircut, but he’s still so cute and Dan loves even the wrinkles in his shirt where you could clearly tell he worn it more than once this week.

There was something off about that way Phil was acting though. He is overly affectionate, can’t stop touching Dan or telling him happy he was, and how happy Dan _made_ him.

“I really like you Dan, you know, that right?”

Dan feels the fuzzy heat, and he knows Phil does like him a lot but to finally hear it gave him chills.

“Yeah I know” Because he does. “I like you too Phil”

And that has Phil smiling brightly.

“You’re so cute Dan” He says. “I know you know, I just want you to hear it. To hear me say it, that I like you a lot. And you make me happy. I’ve been around a lot of people, I’ve had a lot of friends and I’ve been in a lot of relationships _if you could even call them_ _that_ but not until I met you did I ever think that I could like someone _this_ much. It’s almost funny to think that It was all because my Dad married your Mum that we met in the first place”

“I’m happy he did” Dan gushes.

“Me too” Phil says. “You’re so special Dan, and I’m happy to just have met you...”

His voice trails off in a funny way and it’s like Phil was giving a goodbye speech or something.

“Don’t say it like this is the last time we’ll see each other” Dan quickly reprimands him.

“I’m sorry” Phil response seldom. “I just like you a lot and I want you to know it. I want it to stick in your brain that I like you, I want you to really believe it Dan”

Phil seems overly nervous.

“I know" Dan says. "But why?” 

“I just don’t want you to ever doubt it. I know you Dan and I know that if I don't say it a bunch you will” He replies honestly. “I really like you Danny”

He says it twenty more times throughout the dinner and only stops when the food arrives.

That night Phil takes Dan home and they fall asleep together on Phil’s old bed. Dan dreams of warm things and about how much he was in love with the dork clung to his chest but when he wakes up in the morning he makes the cold realization that Phil had left last night while he was asleep.

The next time Dan calls Phil it goes to voicemail and Dan doesn’t think about it much then but then Dan calls Phil five more times throughout the day and he doesn’t answer those calls either.

Dan thinks it’s very odd, but he refuses to panic. He thinks Phil must be busy and that is the reason why he isn’t answering any of Dan’s calls.

Then at eight Dan’s cell rings and he answer it with a pounding heartbeat. And he prepares himself mentally for Phil’s husky northern voice answering him with a warm ‘Ello!’ and a laugh.

“Hey Dan”

But it wasn’t Phil who had called him. It was Chris.

“Uh…. well I don’t know exactly how to tell you this but um. Phil told me to tell you he said, ‘Sorry Danny’ I don’t know what that means but I guess it’s…. not good? Do you want me and PJ to come over?”

Dan knew exactly what that meant, as indirect as it was, and anger and betrayal filled his head fast and heavy. He wants to yell, he wanted to scream but instead all he does is sit there in the quiet of himself and listen to Chris babble on about how he was ‘Here if you need me!” for the next hour in a half.

When Dan finally gets off the phone he heads down to the kitchen because he couldn't take the smell of Phil in his room. When he gets there he finds his Mum waiting for him and even if she didn't look as guilty as she did he would have eventually figured she had something to do with this because it was so blatantly obvious.

"Dan-"

Dan turns on his heel and marches back up to his room without a second thought. 

** _________________________ **

**And all he could think for the next few hours was 'Why couldn't he have just ripped it off fast like a band-aid? That would have hurt so much less.' And also. 'Why didn't I see this coming when it was staring me right in the face this whole time?'**

**Dan had just been blissfully blind, he supposed.** ****** **


	8. Eight

**Phil is honest. Phil never lies. Except for this one time, he had, and it sent Dan’s entire world crumbling down.**

** _________________________ **

Dan doesn't see the sun much anymore. It’s all grey now, the world. His world. He’s had to have at least called Phil over a million different times by now. Each voicemail he left was more insulting then the last until eventually Dan found himself screaming into his phone.  

**Pick up, pick up the fucking phone and talk to me Phil!**

There are a hundred more voicemails he didn’t leave. Some things he said that he knew would break Phil down if he ever heard Dan say them and even though Dan hated Phil’s guts right now he would never feel good about that.  

Dan was just an idiot; a lonely sad idiot. Phil was probably trying to move on right now and Dan should just let him. It has been two weeks and there hasn’t been any contact between the two of them.   

_Dan was perhaps the most upset by the fact that Phil hadn’t even tried to see him since the day they went out to that posh restaurant. Dan thought they would’ve fought for what they had, so why had Phil given up so easily?_

“I want to ask you something” He refused to speak to his Mum for the first week, but eventually his anger faded away into somber sadness and he speaks with her if only to stop her from asking. “I want you to answer me honestly”

“About what?” Dan asks her coldly.

His mum seems to take a deep breath before speaking up. 

“Have you at least been using protection? Should we be getting you testing?”

Dan stands in the center of the kitchen for a while, hearing the words his mother was speaking but not really listening. After what feels like days it finally clicks.

“What?”

“I don’t think you entirely understand all the things that could have gone wrong Dan. There are diseases that exist, or worse things. You could have gotten _pregnant_. Dan, there are reasons that people your age shouldn’t be having sex”

“We used condoms” Dan tells her, if only to quiet her. “I know what happens when you have sex Mum. We were careful”

“Good” His Mum pauses.

"Daniel" She says finally. "You are sixteen years old, you may think you like this boy but it's all just hormone's doing what hormones do. In a couple of days-"

"I love him" Dan admits to his Mum what he was terrified to even admit to Phil. The moment he says it he feels it settle into his chest and this overwhelming 'rightness' fills him up. And Dan knows, despite everything that he did. “I love him, and you made him leave. How could you? What did you even say to him to make him go? I know Phil, he wouldn’t leave me on purpose”

“I told him the _truth_ ” His Mum response calmly. “That you are a child and he isn’t, and he had to start acting like it. You are far too young to have been doing the things you were doing, Dan. He was wrong for taking advantage of a vulnerable person like you. It was inappropriate and irresponsible of him, and I told him that”

“Phil didn’t make me do anything Mum **.** I **wanted** to fuck him!” Dan shouts.

“Daniel. Stop it” His mum cringes. She was clearly uncomfortable with the turn of conversation.

Dan doesn’t listen. He continues to vent his frustrations out loud. “And you made him feel guilty about it. That’s why he’s not even trying, you made him feel like a bad person and he’s not! How could you do that? Don’t you know what guilt does to Phil?”

 _Phil was a good person. He’s the best person._ Dan was adamant about that.

“Good,” “His Mum responds. “He should be feeling guilty. This is _his_ fault Dan”  

“It’s because I’m trans isn’t it?” Dan asks hotly. “You wouldn’t be doing this if I had a dick”

“Dan that’s not true”

“Yes, it is, just admit it”

His mum sighs. "Look I've loved plenty of people over my lifetime Dan, I fell out of love plenty of times too. Like I did with your father"

Dan wants to argue with her about that, because her concept of love and his concept of love were two completely different things. She had thought she had been in love, but Dan _knew_ he was. He felt it in the missing pieces of him that he wasn't born with, but Phil was.

"You can't keep me from seeing Phil" Dan tells her instead, feeling like an insolent child but he was determined to be stubborn. Phil was his world outside of his room and he couldn’t leave him behind. “We’ll talk over the phone, or we’ll skype, whatever we have to do to be together-”

"Dan, I will not let those things happen”

"I'm not a child, Mum"

"You _are_ still a child. My child" His Mum states firmly. "What kind of Mum would I be if I let you run around with a nineteen-year-old boy, Dan? It’s completely beyond me how I’ve allowed this to go on for so long in the first place, it’s completely insane!"

"It’s not, it’s completely fine!" Dan shot back angerly. “You don’t even know how good we are for each other. We make each other better!”

_Phil doesn’t drink around me, I don’t feel like a waste of space when I’m around Phil. Can’t you see it Mum? Can’t you?_

"Dan" She sighs. She seemed tired of arguing. "You are not allowed to see Phil; do you understand me? I must keep you safe, even if you don't see it that way. Phil is a nice boy, I don’t doubt that at all, but he is too old, and he has too many issues. He’s an alcoholic for goodness sake Dan, you are not old enough to deal with something that heavy. He needs help that you are not capable of giving. Phil agreed with me too”

 Tears begin to spill from Dan’s eyes. “You can’t do this”

"Dan..." His mum says. "I am trying to be as fair as I can”

The anger in his chest was slowly drying out as reality sets in. "I want to tell you I hate you right now, but I can’t” he tells her.

“I know” she says. “And I don’t blame you”

"This is so fucked up Mum" Dan’s heart was falling out from his mouth.

"I know it hurts right now Dan but trust me. It won't always. In a few weeks you won't even think of Phil anymore. That's how these things go..."

Dan’s mind feels like it’s melting as he listens to his Mum continue to drabble on. He knows that this must be a bad joke she was playing on him.

** _________________________ **

**Dan tries to call him twice that night but Phil’s voicemail box was full and he couldn’t get through.**

** _________________________ **

Dan spends most of his time alone in his room, now that school was out he didn't even have to leave it unless he had to. He regrets it every time he does leave it however.

His Mum finds a new way of cornering him a few days later.

“Dan you’ve been really sad lately and It’s starting to scare me” his Mum whispers gently “Phil had told me about how…. depressed you’ve been…” She says those words like they were sore on her tongue. “He told me that he was afraid of what you might do to yourself if you two stopped seeing each other”

There was a brief pause. “I think you need to start going to therapy again Dan…Your mindset isn’t healthy”

“No”

“It will be- “His Mum pauses suddenly, eyes moving up to pin down Dan’s shaky form. She seemed shocked to hear Dan refuse. She hadn’t expected it. He had never done so before.

His Mum pauses awkwardly. “Dan, you can’t just- “

“I’m almost an adult Mum, you can’t make me go”

“Daniel Really- “

“I said no!”

It was the first time Dan had ever raised his voice to his Mum and afterwards he feels like his chest was caving in with the guilt from it.

He bites his lip, hesitates. “Mum I’m-”

“You’re going Dan. End of discussion” Tom whom had been sitting there quietly thus far cuts in to their conversation. Dan feels his heart quicken inside of his chest, and anger, anger was rising again.

How dare he? He didn't have the authority to be bossing Dan around. He has never even tried to even have a proper discussion with him!

"No, I’m not" Dan sneers, feeling more animal then man. He could feel the foam collecting at his mouth and his hair raising. "You don’t have the right to tell me what to do Tom!”

"Dan!" His Mum gasps.

“It's true!" Dan growls. "He doesn’t care about me, he doesn’t even _like_ me. I’m half convinced that neither of you do. Most of the time I’m either being ignored or put on the back burning and I’m sick of it!”

Dan was livid now, stuck in-between white-hot anger and cool sadness. "Would you even have known how depressed I've been if Phil hadn’t told you?! Would you have cared!?”

Dan takes a breath, shaking bad. He didn’t understand what was wrong with him. All the sudden all the anger he’s been holding onto for years was just coming out.

His Mum’s expression changes to one of sadness. “Dan….”

“Dad left” Dan continues. “Phil left and you’re never home. I have no one anymore so yeah I’m a little fucking depressed Mum”

“Dan none of that is my fault”

“Yes, it is. It all is!”

“That’s enough!” Tom barks. “I’ve had it with all of your whining. All this time you’ve been berating your mother maybe you should look in the mirror. You are clearly the one with issues _Dan_. You can’t even decide what gender you want to be!”

He was mocking Dan by saying his name like that. _Dan,_ like it was fucking made of glass or something _. Like he was made of glass or something._ It was laced with acid and burnt Dan’s ears the moment they touched him.   

"Tom!" He hears his Mum scream louder then before. He turns to her to see her eyes lit with a fire Dan had never seen before. It was anger, but also shock. She had no idea Tom was capable of such a remark.

Dan sort of always had a clue, the way Phil chose to flee from arguments with his father just before they got heated.

"Tom, you can’t speak to Dan like that, it’s not his fault he was born feeling this way!"

Tom scoffs in response. “There you go with that ‘born’ thing again. Have you ever thought that he’s just doing this all for attention? Or maybe he’s just confused, this probably wouldn’t have happened if you had taught your child some damn manners!"

"You prick!" His mum screams. “Don’t you ever speak about my son that way again!”

“Your son is a mistake! You act like he’s so innocent, don’t forget he was fucking _my_ son”

“Fuck you Tom!”

Dan can't take hearing anymore, it was all rushing to his head and making it hard for him to do something as simple as think. He stumbles out of the kitchen, up the stairs and into his bedroom.

** _________________________ **

**It takes everything inside of him to not pick up the phone and dial that familiar number again. He would have if he thought he would answer.**

**He wouldn’t though, and Dan realizes maybe it was time to let dead things lie.**


	9. Nine

Like before Dan spends most of his days stuck inside of a dark room with his tumultuous thoughts. The only difference from before was most of the time he is sat in a therapist’s office _discussing_ his issues out loud instead of bottling them all up inside. He and his therapist talk about a whole range of things, mostly deep seeded issues, like his chronicle depression and how mentally Dan felt one way but physically appeared to be another and how he was coping with that _._

Sometimes she'll slip a little something in their conversation that Dan knew was meant to rattle him. To dig deep into his mind and recover some top-secret knowledge from him that even he did not know about himself. And it sorts of scares him, how good she was at her job, how much she saw of him.

“You’re a very sad person Dan” She says one day out of the blue.

“I know” Dan usually felt in necessary to respond to her with little resistance. It was safer that way. 

“Well, why do you think that is?” His therapist was a nice enough woman. Dan liked her a lot in comparison to the last one he had. She had a friendly face and a trusting aura, and her smile reminds Dan of his Mum’s only warmer and it sort of makes him want to bury himself in her lap and sob quietly into her shoulder.   

Her name was Mrs. Pentland but she had asked him to call her _Louise_ during their second session, Dan didn’t like the thought of making their relationship so personal yet but he had told her yes if only to keep from upsetting her. 

Dan shrugs his sparse shoulders and feels the weight of his thick winter coat collapse back onto them after. It reminds him that he hasn’t been eating as much as he should lately, and that really should bother him more than it does. “I think being abandoned by nearly everyone in my life is huge reason” he tells her honestly.

“Like your father when you were small” Louise states. “After the divorce you didn’t see much of him, did you?”

“No” Dan agrees.

She nods her head as if she understood how much pain he felt in his chest whenever he thought about his Dad.

“And then now with this Phil lad-”

Dan feels a spiral of barbwire settle in his gut and he decides not to let her finish because it hurt too much. “-but it’s also a bunch of other things” He continues quickly. “I’m not as clueless as you seem to think, I know that I keep myself locked away in my room so that I won’t encounter people who will judge me”  

Louise’s face shifts into a look of curiosity. She takes a moment to shift in her seat, allowing herself time to process what Dan had just said. “You think people judge you Dan?”  

Without skipping a beat. “Yes”

“Why?”

“Because I’m trans” Dan responds to her question with ease. It was such a dumb question to begin with. ‘Just look at me’ he could have simply said instead.

Louise pauses, perhaps just then sensing her error. She seems to be contemplating her next words far more carefully then he last. 

 “Dan” She spoke finally, “Know that I am not blind to your struggle, I know things will always be more difficult for you. Regardless of how progressive we like to think we are as a society there is still a huge stigma against FTM and MTF individuals. I know you are a tough road ahead of you regarding acceptance, but in most cases wouldn’t you agree with me that not all but  _most_ of the fears you have are in your head?”

She crosses her legs underneath her stripped skirt with a clumsy precision that Dan found almost admirable.

He liked Louise a lot, she reminded Dan of a good old friend. The one you tell everything to but never really see anymore. He just wished she wasn’t here talking to him about his fucked-up mind right now.

He takes a second or two to weigh her words and he concludes that while they weren’t true, they weren’t entirely false either. “I guess...”   

Louise seems to catch his reluctance, “I’m not saying there won’t be people who do not like you, Dan” Louise clearly was trying to walk carefully across her tightrope. “But even arseholes are allowed an opinion. That is why it is vital for you to surround yourself with people who love and respect your life decisions regardless. Dan, despite what you’ve told yourself your entire life you _can’t_ do this on your own”

 

** _________________________ **

**When she said that she sounded like she believed it with her entire being. And in the back of his mind, Dan sort of believed in it too.**

** _________________________ **

 

PJ and Chris stop by his house a week later and don’t really leave after. Dan had thought as much, but he never really knew that having friends could be so _frustrating_. It was though, they barged their way into his little protective heaven, the one he only ever willingly shared with Phil and made themselves at home. With their banter and their shit jokes, they make Dan’s lips turn up in that uncomfortable angle that it hasn’t in months. 

Cat would come by to sometimes as well, and when she did she would bring with her a stack of unpopular board games and her quirky self and they would speak barely ten words between the two of them the entire time they were together, but Dan would be pleasantly content.

Even Charlie would come by and drags Dan out, most of the time they would end up at the mall and camped out in the food court munching on pizza and sipping coffee. Charlie would joke around with Dan, hitting him with his sarcastic zingers and ‘I-don’t-give-a-shit’ attitude.

It was a pleasant change and Dan liked how Charlie just didn’t care about offending him because nowadays everyone seemed to walk around him on eggshells and it felt good to have someone who didn’t.

“You know what I realize Dan?” Charlie asks as they walk back to his car.

“What?” Dan was sipping happily on his caramel macchiato.

Charlie pauses mid-step to dig in his front pocket for a loose cigarette and his flimsy lighter. ‘Same shit brand as Phil’s because they’d rather spend their money on liquor and tattoos’

Charlie finds what he was looking for and quickly shoves the stick into his mouth. He lights it and then drops the lighter back into his pocket.

He turns back to Dan.

“If Phil’s cock hadn’t been in both of our mouths at one point in time we could’ve been best friends sooner”  

Dan barely resists the urge to splutter his drink all over himself. “Charlie!”

Charlie smirks around the end of his cigarette and takes his time taking a slow drag before he continues.

“What it’s true!” He says in his defense. “Phil’s cock is like the ultimate friendship blocker. He stuck it in me and then he stuck it in you - _multiple times I’m guessing-_ and now look. Poof, we’re ruined. Fucking wanker he is, we could have been going on shopping trips months ago Dan!”  

Dan didn’t know whether he should laugh or be offended. He supposes a little bit of each was in order when you were dealing with Charlie. “Charlie, seriously…”

“What? You think I’m not serious? Do you know me at all Dan?”

Charlie smokes a completely different brand of cigarettes then Phil does, _Mayfair_ and Dan know it still shouldn’t make a difference months later, but it does.

“No Charlie, I know you’re serious. That’s the crazy part” Dan replies.

Charlie takes another drag of his cigarette. He was smiling now, though Dan didn’t know what for anymore. “Honestly Dan” He rambles on. “All I’m trying to say is I’m glad we’re getting along now.…. I know I don’t say this a lot, but you really are a cool guy…”

Dan felt the same way. Whenever he hung out with Charlie he realized that Charlie loved Phil just as much as Dan still does and that made Dan feel not so alone with his heartbreak for a little while.

Sometimes when Dan hangs out with his friends he wonders why they never really brought up Phil, but he realizes that they have the sense to never talk about Phil around him because they don't want to hurt him. It must be so awkward for them to have to split their time between the two of them. They had known Phil a lot longer, so it would have been so much easier just to cut ties with Dan, but for some reason they didn’t want to and for that Dan was glad. He didn’t think he could do this without them all.

Louise was looking at him strange again.

"Dan...do you ever think about having sex?"

Dan feels his stomach sink and he shakes his head no.

"Why not, you are a teenager, you must have urges?"

"I only thought about it with Phil” Dan clarifies, fingers rubbing nervously against the top of the armchair. Loosening tiny strands of polyester in the process.

“You don’t want to have sex with someone else?”

“No”

"Why not?" His therapist asks.

“I don’t know" Dan bites his lip then, because he knows he's said too much but he couldn't stop himself, even the mere mention of Phil’s name was a trigger. “I just don’t think it would be the same with anyone else”

Louise’s eyes take on a certain shine and she sat up a bit straighter and pulls the pen from her mouth. Her red lipstick smeared across it.

“Really?” She asks. “Is it the vulnerability that goes along with sex?”

Dan felt uneasy all the sudden. “A little bit I guess. He’s the only one whose seen me stripped completely _naked_. And when he looks at me I know he doesn’t see a girl’s body, he just sees me. _Dan_ ”

“And that’s very important to you” She states.

“Yes”

She pauses as if realizing something significant. 

“Dan....You do know that there will be other people who feel that way about you too, right? There are millions of good people to choose from. It doesn’t just have to be Phil because he was the first one” Louise sounds like his mother. Dan loathed the standard and overused ‘You’ll find better’ line more then anything.

He shifts uncomfortably, looks away from her and towards the window where rain was pouring down hard. "I don't want to talk about this anymore" he says firmly.

He hears her sigh, "Fine, let's talk about something else then" 

Dan bites his lip, listens to her ramble about things he doesn't care to remember and watches the grey clouds snuff out the sunshine and warmth of summer.

** _________________________ **

**It wasn’t just because of how Phil saw him that made Dan love him so much. It was because of Phil was Phil. That dorky, lovable tattooed loser who made Dan feel like the sun was always out and the birds always singing. It didn’t matter who else would find Dan attractive enough, Dan didn’t care to know about them. To Dan, Phil was the means to every end and the beginning of every happily ever after.**

** _________________________ **

His Mum knocks on his door in late January and tells him to pack some stuff because they were leaving.

Dan grabs his school bag from the floor and packs himself some clothes; adding to the bag the teddy bear Phil gave him for his birthday and his laptop and then fallows her back down the stairs.  

Tom was nowhere in sight but the aftermath of their last fight was. Dan wonders how he hadn’t heard a trace of such destruction up in his room, but maybe he was just so use to the screaming he couldn’t tell the different anymore.

“I’m going to send you to your Dad’s for a little while. There are some things I need to sort out” His Mum breaks the silence a half an hour into the drive. The raw tension in her voice gave very little room for Dan to argue with her.

“Okay”

He wasn’t too happy with the notion of staying with his Dad over winter break. And it wasn’t that they didn’t get along because they did, however absent his Dad had been in Dan’s life Dan knew that he still cared about him.

It was just awkward being around him when Dan had spent so many years away. So much in his Dad’s life had changed and Dan would feel weird staying with him and pretending he fit in. It would was living a lie and Dan was tired of doing that.

“Are you doing okay?” His Mum asks out of the blue like she suddenly remembered Dan had feelings too.

“I’m fine” Dan responds quickly.

“Please don’t lie to me Dan. I can’t take anymore lying”

“Fine I’m not” He admits, though he quickly adds “But I’ll be okay Mum, I promise” .

His Mum seems extremely bothered by his response though.

She lets out the deep breath she had been holding in until now. “Look” she says, “I’m sorry Dan, I had no idea that Tom could be such a transphobic prick but that’s no excuse. I shouldn’t have put you through that for as long as I did”

“It’s okay Mum” Dan attempts to ease her guilt some. “At least you know now”

“I should have known from the start” She replies with a dry laugh. “I’m your mother. I _should_ have known”

Dan doesn’t like looking at his Mum because then he would see the sadness on her stretched thick and the tears threatening to fall from her eyes. A small part of him, the very bad part was glad that she felt so bad because to be honest it was her fault. However, the bigger part of him still hated seeing her upset.

“It will be okay Mum. We’ll get through”

His Mum laughs. The sound wasn’t as happy as it should be, but she seems calmer. “Oh Dan” She says gently, speaking to Dan in the tone she used to use a lot more often when he was smaller. “You are much smarter than most adults in this world, you know that right?”

“I know”   

This time his Mum genuinely sounds happy when she laughs, and Dan even smiles a little bit too.

They drive a bit more in silence until they get to the airport and Dan helps his Mum find a proper parking spot, so they could go in together to check him in. Once they found a good one his Mum turns off the car and Dan unbuckles his seatbelt and grabs for the door handle.

“Wait” His Mum says suddenly, and Dan pauses immediately and looks back at her.

“What?”

She reaches into his pocket and pulls out her phone. She fiddles with it for a moment and then hands it to Dan. “Here" She tells him. “I think it’s time you hear this"

He looks at the phone in his hand and notices that her voicemail box was open, and a message was loaded up and ready to go.

"Go ahead, press play"

Dan looks up at her skeptically.

“Go on” She repeats.

“Okay” He hovers his finger over the screen for a moment or two before he finally presses down.  

"Uh...hey it’s me-"

Dan could feel his heart escalate when he realizes what this was. It starts. And god, it sounds just like him. He clicks the screen again to make it stop and looks up at his Mum.

"Phil?" 

She shakes her head sternly. "This doesn’t mean I’m suddenly okay with your relationship Dan, but Phil called me a few days after he moved out and…. well. I think you need to listen to it"

"Phil did?"

"You should finish listening to it" His Mum repeats. “I think it will do you some good to hear it”

Dan agreed and nervously presses the screen again.

“Hey it’s me. I know I’m not supposed to contact you guys anymore but Dan has been calling me a bunch and I think he needs an explanation. I don’t know if you’ll let him listen to this but I…. I want him to hear this…. so here it goes. Dan.... Danny. How are you? Good...good I hope" Phil sounded so soft, nervous and it made Dan feel a little pleasant feeling in his chest. Warmth rising in his gut and he thinks _. 'God, I miss him so much'_  

"Me... I’m doing fine. I'm sorry I left like I did. It was an asshole thing for me to do to you. I just, well I just couldn’t tell you Danny. I wouldn’t be able to live through seeing your heart break like that....I thought, well I thought if I pulled away slow it would end up hurting you less, but I was wrong, it just fucked you up even more. I left like everyone else in your life has left you Dan and I’m sorry for that. I would have broken down and called you sooner but your Mum...don't be mad at her, Dan. She's right. The way we are, how…. how I feel when you’re next to me…. And how I feel even when you’re not. It’s too deep. I have memorized your heartbeat Dan; did you know that? Sometimes I hum it when I can’t fall asleep. I don’t think that’s normal, no I know it’s not, but I can’t help it. Even from the start, Danny. From the first moment I saw you, like really **saw** you that night in the kitchen, all soft and meek, trying to sink into yourself. To hide. A beautiful mystery wrapped up in an oversize sweatshirt. I saw so much of myself in you, and so much more than me too. I saw you, something so uniquely beautiful that it turned my world completely on its axis, and nothing outside of you could exist from that point on. You were that amazing Dan…”    

A pause. Brief. “You became like my own personal respirator. Breathing life back into me, making it so I didn’t have to do it on my own. I need you Dan, do you know that? Can you see it? I need you more than I should. More than is healthy. That’s how I know that this is the right thing to do. For the both of us…I miss you though...still do, always will I think...." Phil pauses again, leaving room for Dan to process all he has said before he continues. "After I talked with your Mum I decided, well I know we talked about it before, a little, not enough really but I know that I'm not the best role model for you. I mean I haven't really got shit together, I dropped out of University, I drink too much, and well....it isn't very smart to screw your underage step brother either, now is it? I'm fucked Dan, seriously fucked. And I know you like me a lot, too much really so much it's sort of toxic...."

Phil pauses for a third time, and Dan feels a little part of him collapsing.

"I like you too, a lot more then I think you even like me really. Is that cheesy to say? It sounds that way but it's true, you’re the best damn thing that's ever happened to me Dan and that's why.... well you make me want to be better.... So, I haven't touch a beer in a long time, I’m making good grades in Uni and...and I’m talking to my mum again. She’s helping me stay on the right track and... well I'm planning my future, a good one because you said a while ago that you thought I deserved a good one and you haven’t been wrong yet…"

A fourth pause, and Dan could tell by its length that it would be the last one. It was time for Phil to hang up now, but he didn’t want to, and Dan didn’t want him to either. He could sit forever in this awkward silence if he had to, just to stay here with Phil in this car.

Finally, Phil takes that deep breath and for the last time he continues. ‘ _It was way too soon, please don’t say anything just yet Phil. Just stay here with me a little bit longer!’_

“…I love you, I think I should finally tell you that, even though I’m pretty sure you knew the entire time. You're way too smart for your own good Dan, way smarter then me. So far out of my league it's crazy. Sometimes I wonder what you even see in me Dan...." Phil laughs, but it's not his usual goofy one. It's too sad.

"Well....." He continues. "Anyways. I don't know if you'll still like me in a couple of years, when your older and I’m less of a mess, but if you do then maybe we can give us another shot.  I’ll be here waiting regardless, Dan. Don't ever think that I'm not. I’ll always be right here waiting for you because I’ve never had a home until I met you….Dan, I want you to always remember that every time you feel worthless okay?....You are the home of Phillip Micheal Lester and you are amazing..."

Honest, true, because Phil never lies.

"....So...I guess until I get to see you again this is goodbye Danny. I love you"

It cuts off and Dan realizes he was crying. He looks back up at his Mum.

Her eyes looked as sad as Dan felt.

She takes a breath. “Listen, I know you love him Dan, and I know he is probably serious when he says he loves you too but loving each other isn’t going to solve all of your problems. If you and Phil end up being together so be it but in the mean time I want to make _you_ as an individual alright. Don’t you think that’s fair Dan? Do you finally understand where I’m coming from?"

Dan realizes that his Mum was probably right but in the meantime he couldn’t get his heart to stop beating so fast. “I understand Mum. And I’ll start trying harder to get myself sorted out I promise” He says.

“Good” His Mum responds. “Dan I’m so happy to hear that you have no idea”

Happiness flows from her like water from a faucet and it was infectious.

Dan sort of feels it too. Determination to be better. To be healthy and be brave and to last those couple of years until he and Phil could meet again and be separated by no person or distance.

“Mum, can I listen to it again?"

He hears his Mum let out an agreeable hum and Dan wastes no time pressing play once more.

  **_________________________**

**Spork, of course I saw it. You made it so obvious whenever you looked at me. You were absolutely smitten. (But here’s a secret Phil, I totally was too)**

** _________________________ **

Do you miss him?"

"More than anything. My- I mean the sun...it's been so dark out. It's been months...." Dan trails off and still Louise refuses to press. 

She leans back again and folds her arms across her chest. "Of course it's dark out, silly. It's winter!”

Dan doesn’t respond. He stays deathly quiet.

“But you didn’t mean it like that did you?” Louise continues softly.

Dan shakes his head.

 

** _________________________ **

**Phil _was_ the summer and that meant in Dan's world it would stay winter until he was finally home again.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nine down. One to go...


	10. Ten

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well this is it, the end. It's been a good run I think, hopefully everyone whose stuck through from the beginning thinks so too lol. My goal when I started this story was to write something unique that I wanted to read but no one else had exactly written yet and I think I accomplished that. This is what I want to continue doing, writing stuff that I want to read. Hopefully some of you guys will like those stories too. For now they're nothing but brain babies.
> 
> So I guess this is it, until next time.
> 
> Honestly, thanks for reading.

The night had been unusually long.

The moment Dan got off of work he had wanted to go straight home, get into something comfortable and relax with his laptop for the rest of the night, upon arriving to his flat however he had found out that he was out of his favorite cereal and he was forced to head back out to the store to get more. Dan just spent the last twenty minutes arguing with a woman in a grocery store to get his hands on the last family sized box of Wheaties.   

This isn’t the way Dan thought he would spend the night leading up to his twenty first birthday, but the green jumper he wore was keeping him warm and happy and it was just enough to get him by until he got home.

The bus was over crowed, and Dan had to wiggle through a group of girls huddled together to get on it. Shoving through the last two bodies Dan stumbles out into a safe zone, flushed to the wall.

Nearly seven years later and Dan still hates being out in public.

“Hey”  

Beside him stood a guy with short blonde hair and black framed glasses. He was pressed uncomfortably close to Dan, so much so that Dan sort of wants to get him to back off some but the space was so tight that it really seemed rude to ask.

He was looking up at Dan, looking up because Dan was a giant now.

Dan wasn’t complaining, it was only ever bad when none of his belts kept his pants on his arse. He was built like a bean stock and nothing ever fit right, especially his pants.

“Hi”

“What’s your name?” The blonde guy asks.

Dan hates being hit on, it’s always more awkward and unbearable then it should be. It didn’t help the guy flirting with him had a pink tinge to his cheeks and Dan could clearly tell that he was sloshed.

"I'm Dan"

“ **Dan”** The guy repeats, rolling Dan’s name on his tongue like he was trying to _penetrate_ it. “I like it, I’m Tyler”

“Hi Tyler” Dan replies, scooting further away, flesh to flesh with the corner now. He tries to be nice and hold the conversation the guy was pressing, while at the same time looking for an exit.

“Hi” Tyler repeats. “You’re cute”

Dan instantly stops planning his escape, he was momentarily caught off guard by Tyler's boldness.

“Thanks, I guess”

“You’re welcome” The guy responds casually. “So...what are you doing out here so late?” 

“I’m picking up cereal for tomorrow morning” Dan responds quickly.

“That’s it?” The guy’s face drops slightly and then he looks away from Dan and purses his lips. “Nothing fun?”

“Fun?”

“A cute young guy like you, Dan. You should be going out and doing people- _I mean stuff_ ”

“I’m not into that sort of thing”

Tyler scoffs. “Oh please. Those earrings scream fuck boy” he replies cheekily.

Dan reaching up and grabs the thick black stud as if for the very first time realizing he was wearing them. He always seemed to forget, especially in times like this when people blatantly pointed them out.

“I’m a bottom personally” Tyler continues quickly, interrupting Dan mid-thought. “But I can be a power bottom if you want”

Tyler winks in a suggestive manner.

“I have a boyfriend” Before Dan could stop himself those words splutter out of his mouth and onto the ground.

Tyler’s expression sinks. “That sucks” he says. Seeming to be truly unhappy about Dan’s blunt confession. In his drunken haze he had probably thought he had a strong chance of getting lucky tonight. “We could have had fun. You have big hands too, and you know what _that_ means”

‘Oh, you have no idea’ Dan want to say but holds back.

 

**_________________________**

**Twenty-One**

**________________________**

Dan tries to be quiet as he dips into bed. Stealthy like an assassin, he fails miserably when the bed creaks and the lump in the bed shifts. A head of inky black hair peaks out of the blankets and tired blue eyes the shade of the ocean land on Dan **.**

“You’re home early”

“I know”

Dan lands in bed in a heap of limbs and scoots close. He wraps his arms around the other male’s torso. He loves how the moment they connect their bodies just meld together naturally. Dan couldn’t tell where Phil’s limbs stopped and his begun most days.

“A guy hit on me on the bus and it was awkward” Dan says, leaning in closer then close, pressing his cool lips against the warm side Phil’s cheek where he had been lying against the pillow.

Phil let’s out a light and carefree laugh. His body naturally twisting into Dan’s arms. Merging into him, and Dan became their lungs because he had the better ones, while Phil became their heart.

And it was all they needed, they were all they needed.

“You’re hot Dan, people are going to flirt with you ever now and again” Phil replies. “I mean I’m not the happiest about that but it’s the way things are”

“If you hadn’t eaten all of my cereal this morning I wouldn’t have had to go out in the first place” Dan replies agitatedly. “You’re such a spork Phil”

“Dan, we live together. It’s _our_ cereal”

“No, it’s mine. Go buy your own cereal if you want to eat it”

Phil rolls his eyes. “Okay sure whatever” he says, giving in the argument quick because Phil wasn’t one for them. He’d rather the silent treatment. It made Dan fester with grief way faster.

He cried once, and then Phil cried for making Dan cry and it was just one big ugly mess of a fight.

“I bought you some cigarettes too. I know you’re running low”

Phil leans over ever so slightly and kisses Dan on the cheek.

“Thank you Danny. And happy birthday by the way”

Dan feels warmth, the hot summer sun waltzing across his flesh to the tune of _‘interrupted by fireworks’_ and he was truly content with life.

“No problem” he replies softly. "It's the best birthday yet to be honest"

**_________________________**

**Twenty-Five**

**________________________**

They’ve been together for years now. So long it felt like a second apart was a lifetime. If Dan blinks he could remember a time when they weren’t together, a long forgotten grey point that brought on overwhelming sadness, but it was only a tiny fuzzy point in the vastness of them and so Dan doesn’t remember it often.

Phil is so different from back when and Dan does remember that a lot.

Phil was older now. He had gotten leaner, if that was even possible, muscles sparse and he seemed more fragile than Dan thought he should be sometimes. His hair is still dyed that raven feather black, though his fringe has gotten shorter and he shaved his sides now. He looks so handsome like that, so much so that Dan tried it out himself. It doesn’t look as good on him though.

Sleeves cover his arms, neck, and legs. Some sprinkled across on his chest, and some only Dan would ever see. Little secret messages for Dan’s eyes only, and it was remarkable that Dan could still feel as giddy as a teenager whenever he thought about some of them.

Dan had changed a lot too. The shots have made him broader, firmer, and more him. He doesn’t even get second looks anymore, barely any looks at all and it creates a gentle fuzzy feeling in his chest whenever he gets called ‘Sir’ by a stranger.

Phil has a master’s degree in video post-production and he works with a film company now, he edits movies before they get the green light. He’s gone a lot, sometimes long hours into the night, sometimes Dan has to go to his work to drop off dinner and finds him passed out on the couch in his office, but it was a good job, and it brought them far more opportunities in their life then Dan thought they would have otherwise.

Dan works as a counselor for at risk youths, which doesn’t bring them in as much money as he would have liked but was rewarding. He talks to kids like him and he tries to help them see that there was always a better path then the one they were on. He thinks he helps and that makes him happier then he’s ever been in his life.

They live in a moderate flat in London, not as shit as the one Phil lived in when Dan first moved in with him but not the home they envisioned for themselves either. Maybe in a couple more years. Dan tells himself. Then they could get the dog Dan wanted so badly. (If they could ever decide on what kind. Dan wanted a Shibu, but Phil was hard set on a Corgi.)

For now, the flat was enough, it was just them. Their own tiny little family of two.

And it wasn’t for everyone, their quiet little way of living. Staying in more than going out most days. They were always together, because even if the years apart had taught them they could live without their heart or their lungs they really didn’t ever want to.

Dan would never get bored of being alone with Phil. Save for the occasional friend every now and again. Daytime trips with Charlie and his boyfriend Adam or Pj and Chris whom were still blissfully single or even Cat whom had gotten a dog since they last met.

Dan loved his friends, he missed them sometimes, but nothing beat being alone with Phil.

“What time is it?’

“Half past nine, why?”

“I’m tired”

“You’re always tired Old man”

Quiet nights on Sundays were Dan’s favorite. When they wore just sweatpants and sweaters and stayed up way too late watching reruns of Game of Thrones. Phil would get tired half way through the show, but he would try (Unsuccessfully) to deny it.

Dan didn’t necessarily hate it, especially when Phil’s head would inevitably end up in Dan’s lap, arms adorably clutched around one of their pillows while Dan ran his hand lazily through soft dark tresses of hair forever ruined by years and years of heavy black dye.

“Shut up” Phil whined but even as he spoke he yawns and snuggles his face a little further into Dan’s cotton clad leg. “I’m not that old”

No, no he wasn’t. He was nearly thirty but that meant very little in the vastness of his life. Still Dan had noticed that Phil had started to get more tired lately. He had creaky bones and sore hips and his eyesight had even gone a little. Dan thought it was adorable. Phil wasn’t nineteen anymore, and it showed but he still had the childishness of a teenager, only ever tamed by Dan’s own maturity.

“I’m going to need to buy you a headstone soon” Dan jokes lightly, not serious. Never serious. He didn’t even really think about things like that seriously because he wouldn’t have to worry about it. He would die before Phil. He refused to outlive him.

“Alright” Phil responds, voice softening greatly. Eyes tipping closed behind his thick glasses and Dan was already trying to work out how he was going to get them off Phil’s face without waking him up. Dan wasn’t even watching the show anymore.

“You’re agreeing with me?” Dan asks curiously.

“I mean it won’t be all that bad” Phil responds softly, voice fading. “Here lies Phil the best lover Dan Howell has ever had”

Dan snorts, “You’ve been my only lover Phil”

“And what’s wrong with that?”

The responds is instant. Honest, and heartfelt.

“Absolutely nothing Phil. I wouldn’t have it any other way”

“Me either Danny”

**_________________________**

**Twenty-eight**

**________________________**

 How they end up with the same last name is kind of a simple story.

It isn’t one of them going down on one knee, or a miraculous proposal with rose petals and doves or a hot air balloon. It’s far more quiet, simple and just like them.

It’s him and Phil sitting on a shared bench in Starbucks, no space between them. Phil in his phone and Dan was drawling things in the window using the frost of December as his sketchpad.

The caramel macchiatos between them were cold and Phil had barely touched his because he was so into whatever game he was playing, but the atmosphere was gorgeous, and Dan couldn’t think of anywhere else he’d want to be glued.

He wasn’t even paying attention when Phil looks up from his phone and reaches for his cup. Dan heard a soft hum and he looks over to see Phil looking down in surprise at what he thought was his cup.

"Ugh, that's definitely not soy milk"

Then Dan notices it was _his_ cup Phil had picked up.

“What you couldn’t read spork?” Dan laughs then, reaches up to casually take his cup back from Phil. “It says _Dan._ You're going to get a stomach ache now”

“Sorry” Phil says, cheeks lit with a soft blush, he reaches down for his own cup and brings it up to his mouth. Dan takes a sip of his own drink and tastes the sweetness of Phil on the rim.

“Hey Dan”

Dan looks back over as he sets down his drink to see Phil staring aimlessly down at his cup with a disinterested expression. 

“What?”

“How lucky were you to get your name?

“I picked it Phil” Dan replies with a light ‘Oh Phil’ chuckle.

“No, I know that” Phil says with a roll of his eyes. “I meant your last name Howell. _Howell_. It sounds so cool. Sophisticated. It’s so interesting. Can you imagine it. Phil Howell. I’d sound like a secret agent”

“Like my name, do you?” Dan laughs. “Phil Howell has a nice ring to it but so does Dan Lester”

“We should hyphen it, make it Lester-Howell” Phil supplies quickly, head back down in his phone again, only partly paying attention to the conversation.

“I’d like that” Dan replies immediately, going back to drawing patterns on the window. “Mum would too, she’s been saying we should get married for ages”

The conversation dies down, but the idea sticks and the same time next year they’re sitting in the same spot again, sipping the same drinks and doing the same things.

The only difference was when someone called them by their last name. Both looked up. 

 

**_________________________**

**Twenty-nine.**

**________________________**

Sex is different, but it would be, they were different. 

The fire was the same though, their bodies systematic call to each other as they become one of the same. The ripples that trickle through Dan’s body whenever Phil kisses him, the ache between his thighs when he rocks between them.

Phil’s hands in his hair, mouth on his skin, weaving emotion and love through every delicate move and slight sound. Dan loves the way Phil’s entire essence fills him when they fuck and refuses to believe there was anything else better then this in this world.

Phil’s mouth against his chest, kissing patterns across winged scars where mounds of flesh use to be. Dan’s body shape had changed drastically but the way Phil touched him was the same.

The way Dan reacted whenever Phil touched him was the same too.

“P-phil!”

And Phil still laughs when Dan squawks his name, even years later when they were both too old to remember what it was like to not know each other.

“I love you”

“I know”

And Phil smiles with wrinkle lines on his face.

“Bear” he whines softly.

“I love you too” Dan gives in instantly, because even years later he still couldn’t say no to Phil. “Spork”

 

**_________________________**

**Eighteen**

**________________________**

Dan had been nervous the first time he met Phil’s Mum.

He had nearly vomited. Stomach twisting around in knots. Not even that first doctor visit where Dan had received his first shot had been as intimidating.

She stood in front of him like an immovable force. And though she was feet shorter then Dan, it was like she was towering over him. She looked just like Phil, and Dan could tell then that meant he would be absolutely smitten. It was completely beyond him how he managed to keep himself from falling to his knees in front of her and thanking her for giving birth to such a wonderful creature.

_You made the other half of my soul, and I am eternally grateful._

Stone lumps in his throat, and he couldn’t think of the first thing to say to her. “Hi” was a good start. “Your son is the best thing that has ever happened to me” spills out in a jumble of internal noises right afterwards.

And Phil laughs from next to him in that adorably awkward way of his, and his Mum gives Dan the biggest and warmest smile of his life as she reaches up and grabs for his hand.

And the warmth of her palm, it was everything to Dan.

“So, you’re the boy I’ve heard so much about. Quite handsome”

Dan was in love with Phil’s Mum, she was the warmest thing on the planet. Only second to Phil. 

  

**_________________________**

**Thirty**

**________________________**

Dan’s Mum lives alone and Dan tries to visit her as much as possible.

She seems happy, after all when she smiles it is bright and full of vivid colors. Her dog, Collin kept her company most of the time. Dan brought Phil with him whenever he went, and she seemed happier about that. Phil made her laugh with his quirky jokes.

She seems quiet sometimes and Dan could tell that she still sorts of felt bad about pulling them apart like she did but whenever she gets that look on her face Dan just reaches out and grabs her hand. She didn’t have to be ashamed he said, they were together now.

She is happy that they are together. She sees it now, the forever between them, better than she ever did when Dan was a teenager.

“So, when am I getting grandkids?”  

**_________________________**

**Thirty-one.**

**________________________**

Dan finds his first grey hair on Phil. A sliver of silver peeking out from below the fringe. It was inevitable of course.

Dan was getting older too, though he didn’t hate it as much as Phil did sometimes. The further along in age he got the further away from feminine he became. No one ever asked anymore and that was nice. It was what he wanted.

They were in a house now, a moderate one in the middle of London. They never really needed anything too extravagant. They had a dog, a small corgi and Shibu mix named Susan, because Phil was the worst with choosing names.

“You’re not naming the kids” Dan tells him one day, cuddling on the couch with Susan as he watched Phil failing to assemble the crib they had ordered online nearly three months ago and yet only started to build now.

It was just like them to wait until last minute.

Phil looked adorable, black jeans and warm wool sweatshirt, his fringe brushed backwards messily in his frustration and his thick rimmed glasses dangling from the edge of his nose.

Tongue peeking out from his mouth, pinned in between his teeth. He looked so handsome.

Phil curses again, stubbing his finger on another screw, Dan knew at this point he would have no choice but to go down and try to help him, but the couch was so comfy, and Susan needed her tummy scratches.

To think that Phil still had one more crib to go too.

Phil finally manages to get the small (a) knob into the (I) slot and only then does he take the time to acknowledge Dan.

He pouts. “Why not?”

“Because you’ll name them something ridiculous like Susan 2 and 3” Dan supplies like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

“Susan’s a good name” Phil seems greatly offended by Dan’s comment. Overly so.

“Yeah, not for our dog _and_ our two unborn twins Phil” Dan tells him. “What kind of idiots would we look like if we show up at the hospital when our surrogate is having our babies and we tell the nurse their names our both Susan”

Phil starts to laugh harder then he has in a while. He nearly ends up in a choking fit when a bit of spit goes down the wrong hole. “I’m just joking around Dan of course they’re not going to both be ‘Susan Lester-Howell” He says when he finally settles down. 

Dan huffs. “I’m not to entirely sure you were kidding Phil…”

“Fine, how about Sarah and Michelle”

“We’re not naming them off actors on Buffy, Phil”

“Tabitha and Dil…itha?”

“They are not having the names of your sim characters either”

“Okay, Peach and Princess”

“You’ve got to be kidding me”

Phil lets out a light chuckle and Dan gently pushes Susan out of his lap so that he could slide down onto the floor and begin to help with the assembly of their soon to be daughters’ cribs.

“Okay Dan, then what do you want to name them?” 

**_________________________**

**Thirty-five**

**________________________**

 “Dad”

Dan looks up from the pan of fried rice and down to a small ginger haired girl by his pant leg. Dan feels his heart thump in an odd way at the sight of her dazzling blue eyes and pale skin and the adorable quirk of her crooked teeth.

He thinks. _‘She looks so much like Phil’'_ and feels like an insanely proud mad scientist about that.

“Yes Anya?” Dan says, he lets go of the pot and turns to his daughter, bending down to her level. He feels her small hands instantly reach up and curl into the front of his jumper (Phil’s jumper? Dan really didn’t know whose was whose anymore) and his knees go a little weak.

Dan had been nervous at first, at the idea of them becoming parents. What would it do to their lives? And how would they even be as parents, it wasn’t like they had gotten the best role models to look up to after all, their fathers were a mess and Dan's Mum meant well but was a bit lacking somethings. The only good example they had was Phil’s Mum who Dan thought was absolutely perfect. 

Phil had been a natural though, kids gravitate to him like bees to honey and he was so much a kid himself it sort of worked. Dan wasn’t as carefree as him, he was more the disciplinarian and there for the bad guy in most cases. But he still loved them to bits and they could get away with murder if they really wanted to and Dan would probably help hide the body.

Anya was most like Phil, she was loud and adventures. A people person, who brought others to her like moths to flame. She would grow up to do good things, Dan just knew it. He couldn’t wait to see it all.

“I’m hungry” She says, blue eyes blinking innocently up at Dan.

“I’m cooking dinner now” Dan replies.

“Daddy says I can have popcorn” she replies instantly.

Dan snorts, rolling his eyes in disbelief. “Did he really Anya?”

Anya nods and Dan believes it. Phil had a problem with telling the girls no.

“Well you need to eat dinner first, you can have popcorn after” Dan compromises. “Where is your Daddy anyways?”

“He’s showing Essie how to beat Rainbow Road” Anya tells him. “Daddy will be upset, he wanted popcorn too Dad”

 Dan snorts. “That man needs to stop using his children as pawns”

Anya giggles. “Dad it’s funny when you make angry noises and talk about Daddy”

Dan laughs at this too. He stands up, picking Anya up in his arms and turns back to the pan. “You’re so adorable” He tells her, means it deep within his soul. “You remind me of your Daddy only less tattoos”

“When I grow up I want some. They’re so pretty” She replies, allowing herself to be rocked back and forth by Dan. She watches through curious eyes as Dan stirs the pot of rice.

“As long as you wait until your old enough” He tells her. “You can go around dressed as a fairy if you want to. As long as it makes you happy Anya”

“I don’t want to be a fairy I want to be a dragon”

Dan pauses mid stir and lets out a giggle.

“I love you so much”

**_________________________**

**Thirty-five**

**________________________**

Essie is just like Dan. She is quiet and meek and that is probably why Phil spends more time with her out of the two twins. She had the potential to end up sad and empty like Dan had been before he met Phil and therefore Phil probably wanted to make sure he spent every bit of his time making sure that she knew how amazing and interesting she was. 

Dan walks into the living room with Anya still balanced on his hip and finds the most adorable scene of Phil sitting on the couch with Essie on his lap and an aged Susan snuggled up by their feet.

Essie small hands were wrapped around the controller and Phil’s larger hands were set on top of them and he was carefully guiding her through the course with ease.

“Daddy we’re in third place now!”

“I know! We’re so close!”

Dan smiles, walking closer until he stood next to Phil, Phil looks up. The ridiculous moose hat he had gotten for father’s day on his head and he smiles. “She’s so good at this game Danny”

“I know” he says. “I see”

Phil beams brightly, like a proud parent and turns back to the game.

“Where’s the popcorn?”

“You’re not getting popcorn Phil, dinner is ready. Hurry up and do this last lap because the girls need to eat”

Phil pouts but concedes. “Just one last go, it will be quick” He begs him.

“Dad I hit Peach with the shell, look!”

They don’t end up getting to dinner until hours later. Dan finds himself slumped on the couch with Anya in his lap watching Phil and Essie go through ten more laps on Rainbow Road.

Dan’s shoulder pressed against Phil’s. The warmth between them so potent he felt it in his bones. And their girls between them, giggling.

Dan just sits there looking around at each of them.

He had thought the house had been built when he found Phil again some twenty years ago, when they moved in with each other in that first shitty flat, then again when they moved to that better one. Their walls and their roof, it was their third home, the house. Furnished with Susan and now finally it was complete with the addition of their kids.

Their house was now a home, and it had been summer here for years now. Dan was content, and his life was full of the prettiest colors. He was never alone, and he was always loved.

And to think it all started with a drunken meeting in their parent’s kitchen.

 

**_________________________**

**End**


End file.
